Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Interviews: Iheoma Nkemere
In the past two weeks Sherman Ave has interviewed the 12 members of Northwestern’s 2015 Homecoming Court to have them reflect on their Northwestern experience, the meaning of Life cereal, and why Amazon should do a promotion called Prime Rib where they make fun of you for not having Prime.
In this installment, we talk with Iheoma Nkemere on fearing phone calls with pizza guys, prank calling the mayor's office of Rancho Cucamonga, and the best STD out there these days.
Walter Klondike™: Where are you from?
Iheoma Nkemere: I’m from Rancho Cucamonga, California. It’s outside Los Angeles, a bit more inland.
WK: I’m gonna confess, we did know that and we do have some questions about it.
WK: So what are you studying, what are you involved with on campus?
IN: I am majoring in psychology and I’m also studying anthropology and global health. And some things that I do on campus are NU Peer Health Exchange, I’m a tour guide, I’m a peer adviser, and I work at Norris. I live at Norris.
SH: So we were going through your Facebook and we came across something that said “i hate talking over the phone with pizza delivery guys...conversation get soo awkward” in 2009, and we were wondering if you could order a pizza for us.
Egg: Face your fears.
IN: The thing is, Domino’s messed up my order yesterday! I ordered online and they messed up twice!
WK: Today’s the day to make amends.
IN: What kind of pizza am I ordering?
SH: What do you guys want?
WK: Pepperoni on half, sausage on half.
IN: This is so--I don’t…
E: (Laughs wickedly)
IN: They have zero patience, and I…(phone rings)...Hello? Hi can I order a medium pizza with half pepperoni and half sausage on it please?...Just one, but like with half and half...The regular one...Pepperoni and sausage...Delivery…[Address redacted]...[Phone number redacted]...
(20 seconds of silence, followed by a click)
IN: Hello? Oh.
SH: Alright, well we’ll see if that gets here.
WK: I’m sorry for making you do that.
E: No he’s not.
WK: Ok, what is your best memory from freshman year?
IN: Oh, from freshman year? Of high...no, college. Freshman year best memory...probably… Damn I haven’t even thought of this. I liked the people on my floor. So, I lived in Elder on the fourth floor. People said that we were kind of like a cult up there, but I just liked hanging out up there.
SH: Cool, would you say it’s your first home?
IN: Yeah, I would say that. I know that’s like wack, but whatever. (Laughs)
SH: Speaking of homes, we did some research on your hometown. And according to the seal of your town, it consists of an American embassy and an old Mexican church. How does that inform your position on Miley Cyrus’s new album?
IN: You know, it’s one of those things where...I umm, what?
IN: I was gonna try to come up with something but I don’t even--what’s Miley’s new album called?
SH: Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz.
SH: It’s a surprise album; she dropped it at the VMAs.
IN: I think it’s one of those things where people don’t know what they’re doing and they say “This feels right, mmm....Mexican churches! That building! There are grapes! There are grapes!”
WK: And that’s exactly what Miley’s doing!
IN: Exactly, and Miley, it feels right for her so I’m not gonna yuck her yums. You know?
IN: You did more research…
WK: Have you heard of the Bluto Bandit?
IN: The Bluto? How do you spell Bluto?
IN: No, is it like--
WK: He’s terrorizing your hometown.
IN: Oh, really?
WK: He’s a serial bankrobber.
IN: There are a lot of random things. There’s this guy who’s robbing people--like, carjacking at the mall.
WK: So that’s where you go if you wanna carjack someone?
IN: Yeah, exactly. Everybody’s there, everybody’s cars are there. He’s been doing it in broad daylight. Like, somebody has these cars in a trailer park somewhere.
WK: Some people are just in it for the adrenaline rush, it’s not the cars.
SH: If you had to personally divest from something, what would it be?
IN: Probably Hot Cheetos, because it’s taking over my life, and…
WK: I’ve never had them.
WK: I’m sorry.
IN: It’s OK. Hot Cheetos are great. The thing is there’s just a Cheeto dust phenomenon and so I’ve begun eating them with chopsticks…
WK: That sounds great.
Egg: OK, truth or dare?
Egg: Yessssssss. Our dare for you, is to prank call the Rancho Cucamonga Mayor’s office.
SH: We have the number.
IN: But what should I…? Ok.
Egg: You can tell them you’re the bandit.
WK: You could ask them if their refrigerator is running.
Egg: That’s a little cliche.
Receptionist: “Hi thank you for calling the Rancho Cucamonga Mayor’s office how may I direct your call?”
IN: Yes may I please speak to the Mayor?
Receptionist: I’m sorry, who?
IN: The Mayor. Like the Mayor, yes.
Receptionist: I’m sorry, do you know what the first name is...or…?
IN: No, no, no, as in like the Mr. Mayor.
Receptionist: Oh the MAYOR!
IN: Yeah, yeah.
Receptionist: I am so sorry. I thought you were saying...
IN: It’s ok. No don’t worry. It happens. I’m chillin, ya know.
Receptionist: Ok hold on one moment, now.
Receptionist #2: Good afternoon, Mayor Michael’s office.
Receptionist #2: Hello.
IN: Hi, is this the Mayor?
Receptionist #2: No, it’s not. This is his office, though.
IN: Oh, ok. I was interested in talking to the Mayor. Is that able to be done or no?
Receptionist #2: No he is not in town. He is in Washington D.C. right now.
IN: That’s a shame. Alright, well, basically I was just wondering...I was just like interested in moving to Rancho Cuca-
Receptionist #2: Cucamonga.
IN: Cucamonga. What...what do you think...why...do you live in Rancho?
Receptionist #2: No I don’t.
IN: You don’t.
Receptionist #2: But a lot of people do.
IN: Do they like it?
Receptionist #2: Oh, yeah.
IN: Are there waterparks?
Receptionist #2: Um, no, we don’t have a water park here.
IN: I’ve been hearing things about the bluto bandit. Do you have any comments...or…?
Receptionist: No, I haven’t heard anything about that.
IN: Oh, ok. I’m sorry. Maybe my news sources have been going awry. Well, thank you for your time.
Receptionist: Well it’s a very nice town. There’s a lot to do here.
IN: But no water parks, right?
Receptionist: No water parks. No water parks.
IN: Ok well, thank you so much, bye!
~She hangs up the phone.~
WK: Holy shit.
Egg: I’m crying, I’m crying. That was so funny.
WK: Apparently Bluto is a character from Popeye, and the guy wears a fake black beard. So I don’t know why they didn’t just call him the Blackbeard bandit.
Egg: So like a bank robber?
WK: Yeah, he got caught.
IN: Oh, thank god we’re safe.
Egg: We can move to Rancho.
IN: Where there aren’t any water parks!
SH: So you’re a tour guide, right?
IN: Yes, I am.
SH: What is your best made-up tour guide fact? The biggest lie you’ve told on a tour.
IN: Haha I’m going to get fired for this! I can’t really think of any...the most interesting thing that’s ever happened on a tour through: At the end of the tour, one mom asked me, “Are your sororities integrated here?”
WK & Egg : Holy shit.
IN: And this is after talking about being in Greek life. And I’m just like… yes.
WK: What did she say to that?
IN: She was like, ok, we were just wondering.
Egg: So, what was the name of your 8th grade crush?
IN: Austin Blaylock.
SH: What’s he up to now?
IN: Austin Blaylock is in community college now, I think. Let’s find him on Instagram...He recently saw Coolio in concert! So he’s not up to much.
WK: Who is your dream Dillo headliner?
IN: Oh wow. Probably Drake. I have a vision for it. It would be Drake and there would be champagne fountains and stripper tables. You know? Because everybody wants the true Drake experience and Drake is his most authentic self in a strip club.
WK: That would be insane.
Egg: Ok, I have an easy one: Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Is He able, but not willing? Is He both able and willing? Is He neither able nor willing? Then why call Him God?
IN: I think he’s just tired.
WK: For real. Ok, imagine you are taken, like in the movie Taken. Who on the homecoming court would you most want to be your Liam Neeson?
IN: To save me? Anybody of the homecoming court?
IN: Then definitely Eliza Abramson. She is no-nonsense. She makes moves.
SH: What are the chances you win Homecoming Queen?
IN: I don’t know!
SH: Who is your biggest competition?
IN: I would say Alex Bobbitt. She is just the nicest person I have ever met.
SH: Even nicer than Eliza?
IN: Oh yeah. Alex is pure soul. It’s like gold wrapped in a plush blanket.
WK: You said that you are a peer educator for the Peer Health Exchange. What is your favorite STD and why?
IN: I would probably say that my favorite one is gonorrhea. It’s really simple and it doesn’t really mess you up like some of the other ones.
SH: It has a nice ring to it.
IN: Exactly. It’s like GONORRHEA! You’re never sure how to spell it. There’s an “H” in there, it burns a little bit when you pee, and you can take a couple pills over a couple days. You never have to show pictures of gonorrhea.
WK: And you don’t have to tell people.
SH: Is that true? You don’t have to tell people?
Egg: People used to die from it though.
IN: Yeah. Oooh syphilis was a bad one. That one corrodes your skull and shit.
SH: I feel like rapper talk about gonorrhea a lot.
IN: Because it’s easy. Is that the clap?
SH: And it’s very lyrical.
IN: Or maybe chlamydia is the clap.
Egg: Chlamydia the clap.
WK: Wait! It is gonorrhea!
IN: Oh. Gonorrhea is the clap! You see? It’s everywhere.
Egg: The “C” tricked us. Chlamydia. Clap.
IN: You wanna know a fun fact? When we were learning about health in bio, they were like “Rancho is a hot ground for syphilis.” Because everybody knows everybody and it’s a very condensed place. They were like “yo, syphilis is out there.”
IN: End of statement.
Egg: On that note…
[Editor’s Note: The god damn pizza never came]
If you have chlamydia please don't apply to Sherman Ave and please stay away from us. We're trying to break our addiction.