Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Interviews: Haley Hinkle
In the past two weeks Sherman Ave has interviewed the 12 members of Northwestern’s 2015 Homecoming Court to have them reflect on their Northwestern experience, whether the green I see is the same green you see (because we're pretty sure that bagel is moldy), how many non-gender non-profession non-nationality-specific people it takes to change a lightbulb, and whether dentists are the new Barry Bonds.
In this installment, we talk to Haley Hinkle about barbells, Lakeside Delivery, OJ, and which Homecoming Court member she would "Million Dollar Baby" kill.
Walter Klondike™: So, just talk about where you’re from, what you do on campus, however you want to introduce yourself.
Haley Hinkle: Yeah, so I’m originally from Warsaw, Indiana, not so far from here. And I am a journalism/poli sci double major. On campus this year I am involved in the Northwestern Alumni Association, Class Gift. In the past I have been involved with ASG, Deering Days, and I’m also a part of Alpha Chi Omega.
Smangston Hughes: What are you most excited about for Homecoming?
HH: What am I most excited about? Oh my gosh. I don’t know, I just think it’s so fun. When there’s so many people wearing purple, and like how excited you are to be back. And you realize you’re not so far from being an outdated alum and...oh god, they’re not outdated...but someone who’s just nerding out over all your memories? Like, you realize how quick it goes while you’re here.
WK: I had a Homecoming alumni experience one time where these two guys went really hard with pressuring me to yell “1, 2, 3 Phi Psi!” so they could chug their beers. It was really uncomfortable.
HH: Are you serious?
WK: It was really weird.
HH: Are you in Phi Psi?
WK: Nope. I just walked by them, I didn’t know them. They made me feel really lame for not yelling it.
HH: (Laughing) Oh my gosh.
WK: So screw the alumni.
SH: Who do you think your biggest competition is for Homecoming Queen?
HH: I don’t know, isn’t it Yoda or Gandhi or someone who says “Your greatest competition is yourself”?
WK: I was gonna say, neither of them is on Homecoming Court.
Egg: Yourself, your greatest competition is.
WK: So imagine you are taken, like in the movie.
HH: I’ve actually never seen the movie.
SH: She’s like abducted…
HH: Is it like “I’m gonna find you and kill you”?
SH: Yeah, and her dad, who’s Liam Neeson, goes and saves her.
WK: So who on Homecoming Court would you want to be your Liam Neeson?
HH: Wow, holy crap. That’s a lot of pressure.
WK: Who would take out the whole Turkish mob for you?
HH: I’m gonna put Eliza in charge of that, I trust her.
WK: Oh, second vote for Eliza.
HH: Oh really? See, she just seems like highly competent and badass. She seems like she could handle the job.
E: Ok, in your presidential campaign you suggested that we “Build up Northwestern.” Why do you think we need more construction?
HH: I mean, I don’t know if that’s per se what we were angling for...although they did have like 50 construction projects this summer.
SH: Did they put your logo on their projects?
HH: They did. We gave everyone a button. As far as I’m concerned the platform is fulfilled.
WK: So it says in your bio you’re part of NBN, or were part of NBN, the publication who last year had the scandal with Lakeside Delivery. What’s it like to have Yik Yak frame you as a Bin Laden equivalent?
HH: You want me to speak for NBN? I don’t know if they want me to do that. People really said that?
WK: Yik Yak went insane.
HH: I hate Yik Yak.
WK: You just lost a huge constituency of voters right there.
HH: I know, I know. Someone actually messaged me last spring and they were like, “Yeah, we know you don’t like Yik Yak, so we want to interview you.” So it’s known. But no, I don’t have it because I think it’s a really dark place. The modern Bin Laden...I think that’s a bit extreme. On behalf of journalists I’m offended.
E: What’s extreme about Bin Laden?
HH: I mean, how much time do we have?
SH: He was the one in the cave right?
SH: Who’s the one in Zero Dark Thirty?
HH: That’s Bin Laden
E: (Laughs) “Who’s the one in Zero Dark Thirty?” It’s like Bin Laden has an IMDb page. He’s nominated for an Oscar for his performance.
(Music fades in, it’s “Boom Boom Boom” by the Black Eyed Peas)
HH: No, please don’t. I knew this was going to happen. I just texted a friend: “They’re gonna ask me because [Smangston] knows about it,” and then you’re here. You just can’t help but work out when you hear the Black Eyed Peas.
[Editor's Note: This video will explain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnJlAisqT24]
SH: So I guess the question would be, where are the barbells today?
HH: Where are the barbells...I want to acknowledge that they are dumbbells. I get a lot of crap for that. People were like pretty mad about it. There’s a certain contingency of people that think I’m an idiot for that video, and that’s part of the reason. But I think they were branded as barbells, for the record.
E: Do you want to set the record straight about the difference between a dumbbell and a barbell?
HH: I do, I do. Because I want people to know that I understand. So, well, the individual units...now I’m confused. Maybe I’m gonna have to come back to you on that one. Well, no, the barbell is a single bar with the weights on either side, right? And the dumbbells are the individuals.
SH: Can we expect a sequel if you are elected as homecoming queen?
HH: I thought about a sequel a lot of times. Although not recently, it was back in high school. If that’s what the voters want.
WK: You’re part of class gift. What is the worst gift you have ever received from an elderly person?
HH: I mean a fourth grader’s not elderly...in elementary school for the christmas gift exchange one of the girls gave me a basket with a candle in it. And I was like, why did this happen to me? That was a lesson in being grateful.
WK: Yeah for a third grader that’s a pretty bullshit gift.
HH: It’s ok, though. Time heals all wounds.
SH: So according to urban dictionary, Hinkle is defined as “to play with a man’s balls.” What kind of balls do you think it’s referring to? Because we thought it was pretty vague.
HH: Oh god, my grandparents are probably going to read this. I would have to say, most likely, footballs.
Egg: How many footballs are we talking?
HH: Like, five.
WK: That’s a normal amount for a guy to have.
Egg: So, you like football?
Egg: You’re from Warsaw…
HH: Oh no.
Egg: Are there any noticeable remnants of the 1939 Nazi bombing campaign? How did that affect your childhood? I’m sure that was really traumatic for you.
HH: When we were growing up we didn’t know. They wait a while to teach you about the Holocaust. It was when I came to Northwestern that some people literally told me maybe I should have a trigger warning when I tell people where I’m from.
WK: That’s ridiculous.
Egg: How old were you when you learned about the Holocaust?
HH: I was at least ten. I mean, you spend most of your childhood not knowing about it. And then they start to tell you about like Anne Frank and the world becomes a darker place…
SH: If you are elected homecoming queen, how will you make America great again?
HH: Isn’t that Trump’s thing?
WK: That’s exactly what that is.
HH: I want to say something really violent about Donald Trump now. How do I make America great again? Probably more recess and more dessert at lunch.
WK: If you had to personally divest from something, what would it be?
HH: Group sing alongs make me uncomfortable.
WK: Do you have to do that a lot?
HH: No. I’m just tone deaf and it makes me feel awkward.
SH: Imagine I’m Morty and you have ten seconds to make me cry. GO.
HH: Ten seconds?
HH: Oh my gosh.
HH: Ok Morty your mom is ugly and wears combat boots.
WK: Your mom is ugly and wears combat boots? Is that true?
HH: About Morty’s mom? I don’t think so. Now I feel really bad.
WK: That would be crushing if that was true. Because it’s so specific. Alright, what is your least favorite movie?
HH: Oh my gosh, I totally know this. My least favorite movie…. OHHH that stupid Click movie with Adam Sandler.
SH: So sad…
WK: That’s awful.
HH: It’s just a downer because he eff’s up his whole life. I regretted watching it.
SH: What’s your most favorite comet?
HH: My most… Oh! Probably Haley’s Comet.
SH: Por que?
HH: Because I get that a lot. Mostly from older people. Not a lot of younger people think of it.
WK: It’s not coming around again until like 2060.
HH: Yeah, it’s gonna be a while. We’ll have to hold out for that.
SH: At least we have your shining presence with us.
HH: Thank you.
Egg: Did OJ do it?
HH: Ok. You guys asked this to people last year. Here’s the thing: I don’t know much about the OJ Simpson trial actually. It’s one of those things that everyone assumes that you know about when you’re growing up but you’re kind of young so they don’t directly educate you about the whole thing. But people say, “if the glove fits…”
WK: But it didn’t…
HH: I’m just going to stick with that.
WK: You heard it here: OJ is innocent.
Egg: I was talking about OJ Mayo, the basketball player…
WK: So your name is alliterative, as you may know—
HH: I do know that.
WK: Do you think your parents wanted you to grow up to be a superhero?
HH: A superhero?
WK: Like Peter Parker.
HH: Well my sister’s name is Hannah so that’s also alliteration.
WK: A superhero team!
SH: What would your power be?
HH: I would probably have like a lipstick that was secretly a laser.
Egg: Is that even a power? That’s more like a Kim Possible gadget.
SH: My power would be to stop racial injustice but laser lipstick sounds cool too.
HH: No! Don’t do that to me!
SH: I would also make college free for all children.
WK: But your thing is cool.
HH: Oh great.
WK: Your facebook won’t let me see any of your old statuses. What are you hiding?
SH: Besides barbells.
HH: Besides barbells? Really not much. I’m trying to think about what’s back there. I try not to think about the things I posted back in 2009 because they’re just embarrassing.
WK: We’ll find it eventually. We’ll get through the firewall. Is there a God?
HH: I think so.
WK: Ok, cool. I’m making sure we’re on the same page. Smangston, do you have anything else?
SH: No, I’m good.
WK: Do you have any questions for us?
HH: You guys didn’t give me a Fuck, Marry, Kill…
WK: OH! We can give you a Fuck, Marry, Kill.
HH: NO NO NO NO!
WK: Nope, too late. Fuck, Marry, Kill: Members of the Homecoming Court.
HH: Homecoming Court? No!
WK: You asked for it. Actually, we’ll do Fuck, Marry, Brutally Stab to Death with a Rusty Fork.
HH: Wow. Do I really have to brutally stab someone to death?
WK: Yes. We’re pretty specific about that for a reason. This isn’t a hypothetical, you’re really gonna have to do this.
Egg: We have everybody else on the Homecoming Court is in the next room. We’re going to bring them in.
WK: Smangston is an ordained minister so he can marry you.
HH: I was more concerned about the stabbing part, not even the marriage. Wow. I would probably marry Eliza.
SH: It’s legal now!
HH: Well, it’s legal! Wow, people from home aren’t going to get that this is a joke. There are going to be rumors. But yeah I feel like we would just get shit done for the rest of our lives. Then, I would sleep with whoever is tallest.
WK: We’ll get back to you on that.
HH: And then I really don’t want to stab anyone but, I’ve thought about this a little bit. I would kill Diego but, only because I think we could do a “Million Dollar Baby” where I help him achieve his dreams and then if he were to have an accident, I could be the one to relieve him from his personal hell. Only after he has had a really good life!
WK: That’s pretty noble of you. That’s a solid answer to that.
SH: It’s pretty royal of you.
HH: I think Diego would be a good sport about it.