Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Dos and Don'ts of Being Sick
Despite the fact that you grew up eating dirt, leaves, and whatever else your older brother fed you, you’ll come to realize that when you live in a freshman dorm, your immune system is only slightly better than Bubble Boy’s. You will get sick. Yay, dorm life! Best case, you’ll get a slight cold when no shit is going on. Worst case, you’ll get Ebola and die right after you had to take 4 midterms in 3 days. Thankfully, you have Sherman Ave and this guide to get you through your inevitable illness.
DO drink plenty of fluids
I personally recommend screwdrivers, mimosas, tequila sunrises, etc. Really anything that is rich in vitamin C and alcohol. The vitamin C will do whatever it is that vitamin C does[1] and the alcohol will kill the germs that are making you sick and has the added benefit of making you forget that you’re even sick if you drink enough of it.
DON’T go to the health center right away
Wait until you feel like you are dying, then go. If you go too early, the nurses will have no sympathy for you and act just like that bitch elementary school nurse who didn’t believe you when you said you naturally run a low fever and you are actually sick and who sent you back to class to suffer for the remaining 3 hours instead of letting you call your mom to come pick you up. Instead, go when you have a 102 degree fever and look like death. The nurses will then act like your surrogate mother. They’ll get you a cup of the good flavor of Gatorade and some drugs and try to make you smile because you really do look fucking awful.
DO complain to your friends about being sick
Chances are their parents love them more than your parents love you and sent them to school with the good drugs. Your friends will then give you the good drugs in order to get you to shut the fuck up about being sick.
DON’T complain about and/or admit being sick to people in your classes
Not only will they have no sympathy for you, they will blame you if they happen to become sick in the next two weeks even if they have completely different symptoms than you. HOWEVER, if someone in your class has recently been sick, feel free to guilt trip them about getting you sick. I just told you that if they were in your shoes, they would do the same thing. The fact that you gave everyone who you came in contact with a sip of your drink at that party you went to over the weekend is irrelevant. Your classmate definitely got you sick.
DO email your professors that you’re sick
This is your chance to get that extension on the paper/homework/project that’s due tomorrow that you were too drunk/hungover/lazy to do when you were healthy. The sicker you sound in the email the better.
Well, hoping you’ll get better soon or die before you have yet another round of midterms!
[1] idk, I’m not premed.
