Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Painting the Rock
Shshshshhhhhh — OH my god stop talking let me finish. We all know that painting the Rock is on your bucket list. Theoretically, it is on everyone’s bucket list. It’s on your math professor’s bucket list. It’s on your mom’s bucket list. It’s on Morty’s bucket list. And frankly, they might all get around to doing it before you do.
BUT, if you’re actually serious about exhibiting your artistry via what used to be a water fountain (Allegedly. Though I am still not convinced), let me break it down for you.
First, you have to guard it. Duh. What does that mean? It means divvying up 24+ (Yeah, “plus.” I once had to guard it to be able to guard it. 48 hours. Felt like 127 #JFranco) hours of sitting around a rock. Awesome! Hope you like the Harris Hall and University exterior architecture, because you’ll be seeing a lot of it. If you get bored, maybe climb a nearby tree (I did this), practice improvised Shakespeare (also this), re-teach yourself how to ride a bike (yeah, I FORGOT, okay?). More likely, you and whatever club/group you’re guarding it with will drink. A lot. Until 4 in the morning. Because you’ll still be there at 4 in the morning! Yay!
That’s right, part of 24 hours is nighttime. Which brings me to my next point: Find a tent. Make a tent. Just have one. It will protect you and your alcohol from both unpredictable weather and suspicious passerbys. And most likely, you will use that tent. And you will love that you have it. Otherwise you’ll do what I did, and accidentally fall asleep on the floor of University. Which I do not recommend. People showing up for their 8am classes will think you’re a homeless person, and your cohorts back at the Rock will think you’re dead.
Good fun, good fun. But wait — SHAZOOM!, does guarding the Rock come without moral dilemmas? No, sweet freshman fetus! Do not be surprised if you and your frat show up and start guarding the rock in order to promote your barbecue that weekend, and an hour later the Organization to Stop the Killing of Puppies arrives, having planned on guarding the rock themselves. Have fun telling them that your barbecue doesn’t care if puppies live or die.
When it comes time to actually paint the Rock, make sure you have your shit together. Seriously. You do NOT want to embarrass yourself in front of the prospies watching on the Rock-Stalker-Cam by forgetting to bring paint. And figure out your design. Because if you don’t, you’ll end up with 5-10 drunk people simultaneously spray-painting and splatter-painting the rock into purple, gray, orange, and black oblivion (or some other horrifying combination of colors). And people have to look at that shit come morning. So be kind to our eyes.