Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up
We all want action, but few know of a sure-fire way to find it. At college, the ability to suavely convince a random hottie to engage in romantic activities with scant emotional attachment involved can be an extraordinarily difficult, yet exceptionally valuable, skill to hone. Like snowflakes or the Kardashians, no two hookups are alike, from random slampieces to that one girl you've been lurking ever since the March through the Arch, so it's important to be a paragon of subtlety while working your moves. Here at Sherman Ave, we are pretentious enough to think that we've seen it all when it comes to romance, and have compiled a fast and easy guide on how to get with that fast and easy special someone.
STEP 1: GET YOUR SWAG ON Mental preparedness here is key. Going into affairs like this with the sole intention of hooking up with an 8 (using the Attractiveness Standardized Scale, or A.S.S.) or better can be a recipe for disaster. Rather, try to remain flexible in order to best meet the unexpected contingencies Cupid might throw at you, like suddenly losing the ability to remember your target's first name or making the ill-advised decision to put Velvet Underground's "Heroin" on at a frat party.
Physical preparation is also important. A little bit of liquid courage never hurt anyone, and a thorough pregaming can help to bolster self-esteem while reducing the presence of pesky inhibitions. Visually, you'll want to look your best for the role you're about to play. The preferred apparel of frat brothers usually includes a spiffy Lacoste polo (or maybe just a lacrosse pinnie if it's a casual night) with some nice plaid shorts to match, while the more alternative fellows should prepare a rumpled flannel coupled with a well-rehearsed brooding, far-off stare that suggests a darker -- yet sensitive -- side beneath all those layers from Urban Outfitters.
STEP 2: SPIT YOUR GAME
You have a limited amount of time to convey four things to the object of your affection over the noise of the blasting Katy Perry and shouts from the beer pong table. These include: a) How attractive you find him or her (this will probably be true, at least for the time being) b) How intelligent and/or funny you think he or she is (maybe true) c) How fascinated you are by his or her personality, which you would totally appreciate regardless of how attractive said person is (almost definitely not true) d) How worthwhile it would be for him or her to choose to spend his or her time with you in various passionate embraces.
Now, this difficult maneuver may or may not be further complicated by the process of dancing or pumping keg beer for a seemingly endless swarm of your peers. We suggest that you keep away from topics like your WoW account in favor of topics that aid you in advancing these four primary conversational goals. Feigning interest in their lives can be useful, even if they're a pre-law student from Naperville (a Sisyphean task, to be sure).
STEP 3: SEAL THE DEAL Your moment of triumph has arrived. This is where legends are made and egos are razed to the ground.
Generally, you only need one line of dialogue to make a graceful exit from the party to someplace more private. "Want to come back to my place?" works fine, but I prefer lines with a bit more pizzazz, like "You know, I used to be a French gymnast," "I have a great collection of Barry White LPs back in my room," or "Want to go have carnal sexual relations with me on the lakefill?"
Next, find a location. We have seen far too many regrettable dance floor hookups to allow for yet another to occur. The key is to remove yourself from the scene, preferably with the level of subtlety that can only be found at the vaunted Keg. Beds, couches, beaches, gardens, hammocks, inflatable bouncy castles, the library, and roofs are all decent locations that will work fairly well.
After that, all that's left is to throw on some music and provide an adequate performance. Being a capable, or at least not heinous, lover can enhance one's reputation overnight. But be warned: excessive apologizing, crying, or questioning can forever tarnish your record.
THE NEXT MORNING If, by some miracle, you genuinely like this person and want to build a stable and healthy romance with him or her, then good luck to you. Congratulations! You have exceeded the area of this blog's expertise. Please report back to us with whatever advice you may have. I don't know, try buying them breakfast or something. You know, at someplace other than Burger King.
However, if you awake to regret, confusion, or fear that this "you know, like, could become a thing," have no fear. Just clearly express that you have no desire whatsoever to continue to have a relationship of any kind (this, sadly, is one of the most commonly botched portions of the process, leading to untold cases of sexual tension and heartbreak), gather your clothes as quickly as possible, and deal with the awkward exchange of knowing glances that will be coming your way for months to come.