Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Everything Else
So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
1) It doesn’t matter if you don’t like Morty. Everyone else likes Morty. So you also like Morty.
2) You got up at 7 in high school. You will sign up for a 9 am class. You will go to the 9 am class for a week. You will never again go to the 9 am class.
3) The above does not apply to pre-meds. You will always go to the 9 am class. (that’s what you get for having a future, bitches).
4) Your friends will be in one of two categories: Incredibly difficult majors and always in the library during the day, or incredibly easy majors and always on the lakefill during the day. You will see both groups out at night all the time. Both groups have 4.0s. You do not have a 4.0. You will hate yourself.
5) Dining hall food will be delicious for a quarter. One quarter.
6) You will believe Lisa’s is convenient and useful. At some point, you will notice the prices.
7) By the time you realize the magnificence of Plex Burrito Night, you will be a senior. Unless you live in Plex. At which point, you live in Plex.
8) CAESAR is going to happen to you.
9) If you have not decided your major, everyone will assure you that you have all the time in the world. This is false. Everyone else has dreamed of their major since they were 4. Northwestern will punish you.
10) If you are male, frats will be incredibly nice to you and give you free shit. If you are female, frats will be incredibly nice to you and give you free shit.
11) The above will not seem weird to you until winter.
12) You will not, in fact, be up all night to get lucky. You will be up all night to finish two 12-page papers.
13) The homeless man in front of CVS will say mean things to you. You will still need things from CVS.
14) Find someone who has a car. FIND THEM.
15) If you are not from a cold place: when it gets cold, you will try to avoid the snow on the sidewalk. Black ice, however, is a thing. Welcome to the Midwest, fuckers.
16) No one ever gets a significant other. They get someone to have meaningless sex with for one night.
17) After week 3, midterms happen every week until finals.
18) The shuttle schedule is your friend. Learn it. Love it. Live it. Until day one when none of the shuttles arrives/leaves on time ever.
19) Do not, however, be afraid to take the intercampus. You will not be spirited away to Chicago if you get on it. Unless you don’t fucking get off it at which point just stay down there, dipshit.
20) Remember that all of the above is OK. You’re at Northwestern to get a good job. Except there are no jobs. You’re at Northwestern to work at BK.