Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Achieving Zen
Midterm season (weeks 3 through 8 of any given quarter) is upon us! You have negative time. You're totally overwhelmed. It's time to find your Zen, and your boi Frank here has your back with this essential guide to inner peace, in 38 simple, easy-to-follow steps.
1. Join the Northwestern Zen Society, which meets every Thursday from 7:30-8:30. Adding additional clubs to your resume will make you more secure in your job prospects, allowing you to be one step closer to inner peace.
2. Experiment with marijuana.
3. Finally commit to 'do you, boo' like Janet always says.
4. Take a deep breath in.
5. Give up. The strug lyfe isn't for everyone.
6. Get versed with the essential Zen texts. You'll need to lay out 10-20 years to really master the Buddhavacana, Mahayana, and Vajrayana traditions. But think of it as an investment: after you've reached monk status, you probably won't be concerned with Organic Chemistry.
7. Start wearing ceremonial robes to class. You gotta fake it until you make it.
8. Consider the precariousness of your existence in relation to the universe. What if your father died of the plague. What if your great-great-grandfather didn't manage to steal that boat from the women and children passengers of the titanic. What if Adam just could not put the moves on Eve? WHAT IF!?!
9. Think about who you are. No, really. Who are you? Mind. Blown.
10. Center yourself. Please note that this task requires hella beanbags, a protractor, and completion of the MENU 291 sequence.
11. You're more than a quarter of the way to Zen! Take a moment to ruminate on all of the most memorable parts of the journey so far.
13. Meditate. Twelve two hour sessions per day is ideal.
15. Smoke that ganja.
17. Seek out the Buddha. To start, add a forth major in Anthropology so you develop the excavation skills that will be central for your mission, in addition to providing you with much needed experience for the workforce.
18. Drop that math class. Everyone knows math is irrelevant. Honestly, when was the last time you even had to use numbers?
20. Balance a quarter on the head of a pin. Once you've achieved this feat, your homework/party/sleep balance will seem trivial.
21. Try rushing. I hear that process is filled with casual *stress free* small talk.
23. Reach deeply within yourself. Literally. Open your mouth and place your entire fist into your oral cavity. What did you find?
24. Forgive Craig. He knows what he did and there is no reason for him to continue to weigh on your conscience.
27. Light up that green, green grass.
29. Practice Mindfulness. What is mindfulness? IF YOU WERE MINDFUL, YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW.
30. Email the Dalai Lama. If he does not respond within the half hour, email again. Repeat until you elicit a response. Following up is key to cementing your internship prospects.
32. Breath out. If you took any breaths in between numbers 4 and 37, it is important to begin again with a greater focus on diaphragm control.
35. Let it go. Let it go. Especially if you're my editor, and you're wondering about where all the missing numbers went, don't hold it back anymore.
37. If cannabis isn't your thing, maybe try day drinking?
38. Focus on each letter individually. Z. E. N. Zen. If you don't get it, than you are a fuck up and you should stop wasting everyone's time.
Speaking of which, you've just spent a mean time of 15 minutes scrolling through this article to find your Zen. That's 15 minutes you should have been studying.