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Senior Transmogrifies into Joan Cusack Due to Overexposure to Midwestern Culture

Senior Transmogrifies into Joan Cusack Due to Overexposure to Midwestern Culture

EVANSTON, IL —  Top authorities recently confirmed suspicions that Northwestern senior Rebecca Hemmelfarb has in fact turned into Joan Cusack, a rare, but not unseen, condition most often found in super-seniors. The transformation is accredited by specialists to an overexposure to Midwestern culture and lifestyle.

Joan Cusack, a two-time Academy Award nominee and 174-time denim vest wearer, was raised in Evanston and has come to symbolize Midwestern culture to the wider United States. Her prolonged, open vowel sounds and under-the-surface desire to not stay out after 8:30 is synonymous with natives of the region.

Hemmelfarb, a Santa Barbra, CA native, was showing signs of Cusack since October of 2017. Friends first became concerned when she was overly excited by the presence of a chocolate fountain at a party and felt an extreme amount of shame and enthusiasm over the ordering of a bread bowl at Panera.

“She started nagging a lot, and it was annoying but also fun and playful,” friend Maya Dumbrowski said. “But also you couldn’t help but feel like she was just being typecast that way, as if she was underappreciated by an ingénue-obsessed Hollywood.”

Specialists seem to believe staying on campus through Thanksgiving and winter break may have put her at further risk.

The last known case of this phenomenon was Jared Guffman in 2010. A super-senior, Guffman was diagnosed in the fall quarter of his fifth year. He was briefly institutionalized at the Kathy Bates Center for Regional-Character-Actress-Related Diseases, but was released to fill in for Cusack in season four of “Shameless.” Since recovery, Guffman has toured Midwestern colleges warning students of risk-factors, and also reminding them of Joan Cusack’s brief and unfairly forgotten stint on “Saturday Night Live” in 1984.

For the time being, Hemmelfarb has been sent home so as to not put other students at risk. In preparation for her arrival, Northwestern has sent her parents copies of “Ice Princess,” “School of Rock,” and “Working Girl.”

“We’re very worried for our daughter, and just hope the administration warns other parents of the risk,” mother Gail Hemmelfarb said. “We also think people shouldn’t forget that Joan Cusack gave a lot respectable performances in her day. Take ‘In and Out’ for example. Just because it was a comedic and unflattering role, doesn’t mean it wasn’t layered and grounded in a reality. I mean when you think about, she’s like super good.”

Health Services declined to comment on this matter, but did add that anyone who doesn’t appreciate Joan Cusack should go fuck themselves.   

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