Scientists Discover Alternate Universe Where You’re Not Such an Asshole
Jubilance swept through the air this morning in cities across the world as researchers at the Large Hadron Collider discovered a parallel universe where you are not such as massive prick to everyone all the time. “It is one of the most momentous discoveries of all time,” stated Mark Shapiro, chief of interdimensional analysis for the LHC, “Here we were looking through the data, and after all these loads of different universes where you are just a bulging dickhead all day every day, we finally found a single solitary universe where you are actually a decent human being.”
Shapiro went on to say that, while you may be a God-awful little shit in this universe and many universes like it, you should at least take solace in the fact there somewhere, somehow, there is a version of you walking around that isn’t universally regarded as the most magnanimous taint of a person ever to walk the face of the earth.
This was one of many other alternate universes that have been discovered since the reopening of the research facility.
“Out of the billions of multiverses we detected, we found 2340 where Gore was president, 134 where Hitler still ruled the world as a brain in a jar, and 45 where NBC’s ‘The Slap’ ran for 12 emmy-nominated seasons,” said Mark Shapiro, head of the LHC’s research division. “However, we were only able to find one universe where you were not a gigantic asshole. Maybe not a great person, but you weren’t walking around with a giant sign that says ‘look at me I’m just a big floppy donkey dick of person bungling my way through life,’ and that is a remarkable find.”
“It was one of those moments where everybody had to stop and pinch themselves,” said Shapiro. “It’s still all theoretical, and it may be hundreds of years before we are capable of repairing you emotionally enough to make people not prefer getting their dicks caught in a hornet’s nest over spending a minute talking to you, but today, we now know it is theoretically possible. The dream, as it was, is alive.”
Because you are such an asshole to everyone that you can’t even pick up your phone when someone calls, you were unavailable for comment at this time.