Scientists Determine Gender to be 5-Dimensional Pseudo-Euclidean Space
GENEVA, Switzerland – In what has been heralded as a paradigm-shifting moment for the field of gender studies globally, scientists within the Social Constructionism Research Division at CERN have successfully proven the existence of gender as five-dimensional pseudo-Euclidean space. The long-awaited announcement comes just seven years after the Geneva-based laboratory made headlines by bringing in an international team of gender researchers to test leading theories on the nature of the social identifier using CERN’s state-of-the-art equipment.
While early hypotheses postulated that the five-dimensional space could be described by mapping the contemporary masculinity-femininity continuum onto the four-dimensional pseudo-Euclidean manifold known as the Minkowski spacetime, it later became evident that the usefulness of this 4-D model’s formulation in Einstein’s theory of special relativity does not extrapolate to any practical utility in modern gender theory. Multiple ideas currently exist regarding the roles of biological and cultural pressures as intersecting hypersurfaces within the 5-D construction, and these theories will likely be the subject of much of the team’s future research. According to lead researcher Dr. Morgan Heller, a gender studies professor at the Technical University of Munich, this will be just the first of many landmark gender discoveries to come out of the Swiss research center.
“These new findings are coming less than 10 years since popular opinion among gender studies scholars shifted away from the classical Muntz binary model toward the Lee-Manfield gender spectrum continuity,” Heller told reporters. “And thanks to the technology we’ve had access to at CERN—particularly the new ALEX Delineator and the Gender Fluidity Centrifuge—there’s really no limit to what we might explore in the coming years.”
In related news, a team of scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is reportedly close to determining the possibility of the existence of sexuality as a unit quasi-sphere within a finite affine subspace.