Romney "Too Busy Celebrating Dr. King and Stuff" to Watch Inauguration
SAN DIEGO - Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced this afternoon that he was not able to watch President Obama's inauguration ceremony, as he was preoccupied with his personal celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and those kinds of things. Mr. Romney, who really spent a lot of time today reflecting on race equality and shit like that, did express remorse that he didn't get to watch the inauguration. "I'm sure it would have been really cool to see President Obama say some things about his presidency," stated Romney. "But at the end of the day, it's more important to me to spend the day thinking about the life and legacy of Dr. Mark Luther King, Jr., and, you know, his whole deal."
While Romney spent most of the holiday in his San Diego mansion, ruminating deeply on the future of an America that continuously struggles to become truly post-racial or whatever, there were a few individuals who saw him today. Many of them confirm that he seemed particularly emotional, surely because of the solemnity and mourning associated with the tragic end to Dr. King's meaningful life and all those things we learned from him.
"When I rang the doorbell, he came to the door wearing only a wife-beater and boxer shorts," said Johnny Browning, a delivery man for Royal Phoenix Emperor Sun, a local Chinese restaurant. "There was an old episode of West Wing showing on the TV screen. It was kind of weird."
"He didn't give me a tip," added Browning. "But I suppose he never does."
Paul Ryan could not be reached for comment, as he was on a plane to Germany to celebrate the holiday by visiting Castle Church in Wittenberg, where Martin Luther nailed the 95 Theses in 1517.