Review of Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 9, AKA the worst thing that ever happened to me
THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS ARTICLE.
That being said, there will also be spoilers in the episode. Not only spoilers of plotlines, but also spoilers of any remnant of joy you might have been able to salvage since Game of Thrones last took it from you by giving you an unobstructed view of Hodor's dick.
Before we get into the disturbing horrors of My Big Fat Red Wedding, in which Windex would solve none of the problems at hand (unless you're the poor bastard charged with cleaning all of the INNOCENT BLOOD FROM THE FLOOR), let's talk about the other important characters in this episode.
Bran In Real Life
So I watched the first episode of season 1, got briefly distracted by the need to adjust the awkward erection I got when Daenerys Targaryen gives us some boob action, and then I look up and it's the end of season 3 and Bran has apparently hit puberty. This is the most dramatic on-screen puberty incident since Hermione Granger transitioned seamlessly from being a know-it-all bitch in need of a hairbrush to a sultry babe that makes even Brown students think about sex. Also, what's with Bran's haircut? Like, come on. COME AHHHN. He's the lord of Winterfell, surely there's someone who can make him look a little less like Mick fucking Jagger.
Anyway, so Bran seems to have some magical powers. He has a very unique and maybe not entirely platonic relationship with a three-eyed raven (NOT a euphemism for my genitals), but he also can maybe control humans. Think if Magneto had a foursome with the witches from MacBeth. He first showed this skill off by controlling Hodor with his mind, which seems to be the result of his overdone O-face.
Congratulations, Bran. You were able to have mental power over someone who is literally retarded. (Guys please don't get mad at me, I'm not saying the r-word pejoratively, the guy literally doesn't know how to say anything but his own fucking name.)
Also, what's the deal with his little brother? I was shocked to discover that he has a name. He is also lord of Winterfell now. What is he, 8? When I was his age, I dedicated my time to Madden 2001 and learning to do a kickflip (fun fact: I still can't do a kickflip and I don't know what kind of witchcraft makes a kickflip possible). That kid has no business running an entire city. As a matter of fact, he doesn't even really know how to act. But I suppose this is Game of Thrones, where everything's fucked up and my feelings don't matter.
Hodor Better Faster Stronger
Hodor really showed us a new side of him in this episode. Until this episode, for example, we didn't know that Hodor has a fear of thunder. It's beautiful to see him develop so much and really acquire some depth. I'm personally still holding out for a Hodor-centric dance number in the Season 3 finale, titled "The Hodor Hoedown."
The Hound and Arya present: Passport to River Run
Although each new episode gradually disproves my theory that The Hound is actually an older version of P-Hound from Arrested Development, I'm starting to warm up to The Hound. At least, that's what I thought, until they showed him gnawing on pig feet for five minutes, and now I'm struggling to get past that. I mean, I want to watch Game of Thrones, not Deliverance.
This episode also helped me realize that Arya, who has been one of my favorite characters thus far, is getting annoying as shit. Jesus, The Hound ruthlessly slaughters a butcher's son ONE TIME and suddenly he's nothing but a murderer? Come ahhhn.
Also, I was super impressed with The Hound's acting skills toward the end of the episode. Who knew, right? Maybe he's more of a Tobias Fünke than a P-Hound. Now picture Sandor Clegane in jorts. Yeah, good luck unseeing that.
Daenerys, Fabio, and Two Horny Old Guys
Okay, let's talk about this Daario Naharis fellow. First of all, Daario? Is that Wario's estranged half-brother?
But really, I can't deal with this guy. He's a fucking douche. First of all, he has a massive hard-on for Daenerys. I don't fault him for that. To be perfectly honest, I have one this very moment. But he goes so far as to kill the other commanding generals so he can earn more of her favor. Is he going to get friend-zoned? I feel like he's going to get friend-zoned. And she's going to be like, "I know you have feelings for me, but I just can't right now," and he'll be like "No, it's totally fine, I get it. I just betrayed a lot of people and totally put my life on the line because I really just want us to be friends." Just ask Jorah Mormont, that clearly happened to him. Ser Barristan, though? He's a sleeper. He might be the one who gets all up in dat ass.
And then you realize that this storyline is nothing but an unsettling combination of The Bachelorette and To Catch A Predator.
The Sam Story, or: Bitches Love Books
First and foremost, did Sam actually not pick up the dragon glass knife after he killed the whitewalker? I mean, that's a joke, right? I'm going to just assume that George R.R. Martin is fucking with us.
But really, what the hell is going on with Sam and his woman? How do they expect to scale The Wall? How's he gon pay fo dat baby's child support?!
I don't expect answers, just a short e-mail from Martin explaning why Sam is even a fucking character in the first place.
Crows Before Hoes
It turns out Jon Snow isn't as whipped as we all thought. This was made pretty apparent when he wrecked some Wildlings, namely the super-mega-douche-asshole who is always haranguing him about being a Crow (I think the guy's name was O'Doyle). What O'Doyle didn't know was that Jon Snow has crows in different area codes, and by that I mean he was incredibly, incredibly fortunate that Bran and his wolf were handily available in that random village. Granted, Bran didn't do any actual fighting, but essentially carried out the direwolf equivalent of a drone strike. Thankfully, his direwolf didn't have rabies, otherwise he would've had to give him the Yeller treatment. #RIPYeller
ANYWAY, Jon Snow did sadly have to suffer the loss of his biddie and v-card swiper, Ygritte. I'm sure he'll find another egret, but for the time being, it might be tough for him to fly stag for a bit. I mean, she is really, really hot for a ginger, and even borderline acceptable by human standards.
Meet The Freys
Well, this was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I'm not okay and I never will be okay again.
When the violin started playing, you just know shit's about to go down. That violin player makes the string quartet from Titanic seem like an orchestra of happy-go-lucky clownfuckers playing covers of Passion Pit and Andy Grammer on a goddamn carousel. I couldn't hum the tune of the song, but I can guarantee that if I heard it, it would immediately elicit a wave of troubled emotions and probably the fetal position.
First, a guy stabs Robb Stark's wife five or six times in the stomach, just moments after she said she wanted to name the child after her executed father-in-law. COME ON. YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT. Do they not know that life starts at conception?!
Oh, but it doesn't stop there. Robb Stark is soon thereafter penetrated with probably half a dozen arrows, à la Boromir in Fellowship of the Ring, but more upsetting because he isn't played by Sean Bean so you don't even expect him to die.
Catelyn Stark is also shot with multiple arrows.
And then they kill Robb's wolf. This was what put me over the top. For some reason, I thought that Arya (who, in case you missed it, is essentially witnessing the merciless slaughter of her brother and mother, because witnessing her father's decapitation was wholly insufficient) would be able to free the wolf, so as to retain at least some symbol of hope for the Stark family.
Nope. The wolf has to die, too.
As it turns out, Robb and Catelyn Stark aren't dead yet. They have a few brief words with Walder Frey, Duke of Cuntington, as their injuries take their tolls.
Don't worry, though! Robb is soon stabbed through the chest, and Catelyn has her throat slit (with ample blood), right after she slits the throat of an innocent young girl. Because God forbid we have respect for our favorite characters before they are taken from us.
But hey, at least Edmure Tully's wife is surprisingly hot. Good on ya, buddy.