NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.
In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot. We’re talking to you.”
“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher involved with the project. “He’s been dating that Ashley girl for the past two years. You haven’t had a significant other since that one in seventh grade you dated for two weeks. He’s making $65,000 a year right out of college. You sit in your apartment and masturbate three fucking times a day.”
“How many times have you been to Burger King this week? Four?” added Donovan. “And you wonder why you haven’t pooped in the past two days. Fuck you, shithead.”
The report was written following a series of cutting-edge experiments in Yale’s Clinical Laboratories. Feynberg stated that, despite the downright enormous amount of experiments performed, they all pointed to the same conclusion: you are a giant fucking loser. Feynberg noted:
“We looked at your Facebook and noticed how none of your photos have more than three or four likes each. Your photos all suck, by the way. We looked at your Twitter. None of your tweets in the past two months have gotten any favorites at all. Also, side note, you’re, like, the worst fucking tweeter I’ve ever seen. We looked at your Tumblr, and the sheer fact that you even have a Tumblr makes me want to purge myself. You are the worst that humanity has to offer.”
At press time, you were too busy folding laundry, cooking dinner, feeding your dog, and just generally being a stupid, regular person to respond to the study.