Relevant Politician to Speak in 7th Largest Venue on Campus
EVANSTON, Il. -- 2012 Presidential Candidate and frothy anal cum namesake Rick Santorum is scheduled to speak at Northwestern University at 8:00 PM today. He will be speaking in Fisk 217, the 7th largest venue on campus. “We wanted to create an intimate atmosphere,” said Santorum’s assistant. “We’re actually bummed that we couldn’t secure a smaller location, but there was already a play rehearsal in Locy 305 and 25Live kept crashing.”
“Of course,” said Santorum when reached for comment, “It’s a good thing I’m not speaking in Cahn! I mean, sure, I’ve spoken at the GOP convention, but there’s no way that I could handle engaging more than 391 students at the same time...Actually, I'd be impressed if they found 391 students at Northwestern who also think the gays are icky.”
For information on attending—just fucking show up. This is Rick Santorum, not the President of the United States of America. Or Adam DeVine. Or your philosophy TA. Or literally anyone else who has ever spoken at Northwestern.