Reading Week Therapy Dog Falling Apart on the Inside

EVANSTON – After a third consecutive day of being stroked and manhandled by Northwestern students, local therapy dog Ruffles reported feelings of immense dread and disdain consuming him from within. “When I wake up and I look in the mirror, it’s like I’m seeing an entirely different dog,” said Ruffles, laying his belly on the cold, hard floor of Norris, with his ears drooped unsettlingly low. “It’s easy to think that these college kids care about you. They rub your belly. They give you chew toys. Turns out I’ve been the chew toy this entire time.” Diane Harrington, Ruffles’ trainer, confirmed that the he would not be used for upcoming events, following the 6-year-old golden-lab mix’s mid-life descent into an existential spiral of hopelessness. At press time, Ruffles was found eating a Hershey’s bar to ease the pain.