Recently, there has been some general concern amongst my friends with lady parts—a coup d’etat, or coup d’twat if you will—about the tactics and methods college boys use to woo them. As one of their trusted gays, I have an insider look at what college girls say about college guys. We queer men understand first hand that any man with sexual desire is inherently a terrible person. But, I am a forgiving soul, so I have compiled some insider tips on how to marginally improve guy/girl relations. Because let’s be real: girls just want guys to flirt with them in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they need to drink Liquid Plumber to put an end to their fucking misery. 1. If you pursue a bodacious biddy, please ensure that said girl exhibits at least some interest in you. As School of Communication freshman Pissy Clitty says, “Don’t be a dumb ass and kiss any girl that you see. Please.”
2. Don’t flirt by being mean. Girls have a special gland in their mouth creates a toxic acid they can spit at a distance of up to 30 feet when they sense bullying. Their aggressiveness can be seen extensively through text message:
Girl: Why are you mad at me?
Guy: Because, you’re ugly lololol :P
Girl: Fuck you fucking fuck shit fucker mother fuck.
3. Straight guys lead girls on more often than they think. If you’re going to like all of her sexy profile pictures on Facebook or call her beautiful, be ready for her to assume that you want to fertilize her and care for her eggs while she hunts for food. And if you use a winky face, girl talk translate it as: “Ah, a mammal of the opposite gender. He must desire to pollinate one of my many orifices.”
4. If you’re a guy with a plethora of female friends, don’t bring them around when you go see a special lady. If a girl finds another girl threatening, she will assert her dominance by releasing her pheromones into the air to summon her pack. Like wolves, the pack of girls will rip the friend apart like a baby antelope. Also, the common assumption is to assume men who relate to women more are gay. That’s a piece of hetero-normative bullshit, but it is a sad thing you, straight man, must handle.
5. If you think you’re being creepy, you probably are.
6. Don’t be involved with another fucking person. You’d think this would be an understood thing, but you don’t know how many girls I’ve seen hanging over a toilet because they imbibed eight shots of Everclear in five minutes after seeing their boo thang with some other hussy.
7. You may meet your love interest in the sweltering basement of a frat while sloppy drunk. Try to clean yourself up, or at least smell good. Medill sophomore Jenny Overy recounted a story of a boy who smelled like “sweat, teriyaki chicken, and a crumbling Roman empire.”
8. Be funny, but not to the point where they can’t think you’re serious. If they tell you about a pregnancy scare and you make a joke about it, they will make sure they get pregnant, have the baby, and make you pay child support.
9. Kiss her on the face, but make sure you accurately get their lips. I’ve seen tongue on the cheek, tongue on the forehead, and tongue in the nose hole. The nose hole girl doesn’t go out much anymore.
10. Knowing how to cook is a plus. If you can’t cook, bring them wine and bread. Women power their ovaries with carbohydrates and fermented grapes.
11. The word slut is forbidden, and frankly not funny. Never insult a girl for knowing how to use her cooter to treat you the right way.
12. If a girl is comfortable wearing sweatpants around you when it’s just you two, she either never wants to see your penis, or wants you to rip off her sweatpants and go to town. That’s why you never see a majority of the gays wearing them: we’re better than that.
13. Do not linger. When the conversation is dying, just leave. Awkward silences mean it is time for you to go. If she wanted you there, she would literally make up anything to keep you there. How has the weather treated you? Do you like Easter Eggs? Can I mark my territory on your body so I can smell you at a distance and let the other females know that you are my property?
14. If you take advantage of another drunk girl at a party, every girl will know. The female uteri (plural for uterus) are interconnected via some kind of Illuminati telepathy that the queer community has not done enough research on to explain. When you step on one of the black widows who make up the web, the other widows will pounce.