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President Morton Schapiro to Replace Water In the Lakefill With Many Many Balls.

President Morton Schapiro to Replace Water In the Lakefill With Many Many Balls.

“Balls. Who doesn’t love them?” That’s President Morton Schapiro said to start his announcement that he would be replacing the water in the dumb fake lake built between campus and a small strip of land and then the real monstrosity of a lake. Schapiro said that this decision came to him after protests over the closing of long term counseling at the Women’s Center.

“It is very clear that students on this campus need some whimsy you know? Some fun,” said Schapiro. “I really think there are some sad students and maybe if they see a giant bunch of balls from Norris or while studying in the library, they can look out and go ‘Wow look at all those balls. That’s a safe space.’ and smile and feel happier.”

The President’s Offices said no comment to questions on where all the balls were coming from and exactly how many balls would be in the fill. Many people on campus were concerned about the cleanliness of the massive proposed ball pit.

“It would be nice for the Women’s Center to have some money for counseling but I guess this is cool,” said Medill Sophomore Nora Bowers. “I am just concerned if they are going to be like those really hard uncomfortable balls that bounce really far or if they are going to be those balls that kinda big and plasticy. The issue with the plastic balls is that they get squashed easily and then just look really sad. I will be really mad if it looks sad”

The Office of the President announced that there was soon to be a series of dialogues concerning the nature of the many many balls. One student said “There better be a hella a lot of balls. Like a hella a lot of balls.”

Admission Office Confirms That Early Decision Acceptances Include Cyborgs

Admission Office Confirms That Early Decision Acceptances Include Cyborgs

Heartwarming: New President Brings Hope to Struggling Small Prison Owner

Heartwarming: New President Brings Hope to Struggling Small Prison Owner