Police Blotter: Homeless Man Charged With Just Generally Making Students Uncomfortable

A homeless man in the Evanston area was charged last Friday with what police on the scene are describing as, “just kinda standing there and looking homeless.”   

Students all across campus were relieved once the physical reminder of their immense privilege in a socioeconomically stratified country was removed from their sight.  Jessie Williams, a Freshman Economics major, reported feeling “awkward” every time she passed him by.

“Like, he asked me for money, but I just kinda lied and told him I didn’t have any on me,” said Williams while sipping on a juice from Peeled, “It was just super inconsiderate of him to put me in such an uncomfortable position. I'm worried he'll just use the money for drugs.”  

To prevent further discomfort from the conflict between one’s personal ideology as a liberal millennial and simultaneous role as a cog in the capitalist American machine, police advise students to steer clear of the red, yellow, blue, green, pink, orange, and brown lines, as well as anything south of Davis or north of Noyes.