Point/Counterpoint: Should Men Lower the Toilet Seat after Using the Bathroom?
Point: Yes, men should lower the seat after using the bathroom. By: Ven. Madam Turlington, Esq., M.D.
Last Saturday, after a night of (probably illegal) debauchery, I found myself walking back to my apartment with a half-full bottle of Beefeater in my possession. I was pretty close to blackout, and, needless to say, I had to pee. Real bad. My system was so backed up with urine that I think my throat was starting to fill up with the stuff my bladder was about to burst.
Once I got back, I ran to my bathroom, locked the door, dropped trou, and peed for a solid minute or so. Then, I tried to stand up, but to no avail. I tried again. I couldn’t. I was stuck. I looked behind me, and I saw that the toilet seat was up. I was stuck in the toilet. I started crying.
This should never happen. It’s cruel. Inhumane. Chicanerous. Admittedly, this is the only time it’s happened to me, but it’s one time too many.
Some would say it’s my fault for not looking at the toilet before sitting down on it. Well, when a girl’s gotta go, a girl’s gotta go, and sometimes I don’t think or have time to “search before I perch,” if you will. I know may sound like kind of a dumb argument, but I believe it’s safe to assume that most people are like me and occasionally forget to look before sitting.
Some would say that it’s not a man’s responsibility to lower the seat after they go. After all, women don’t move the seat post-pee, so why should men? Well, men have to sit down half the time to go to the bathroom anyway, so chances are that the next person going to the bathroom won’t be standing. This isn’t a women’s rights thing: it’s a courtesy thing.
Some would say that, maybe if I weren’t so drunk, I’d have been able to wriggle myself free and liberate myself from the clutches of that porcelain throne. Well, it’s three days later, and I’m still stuck here. I’m writing this on my phone to keep me occupied. I’m still hungover. I’m covered in urine and vomit.
Please send help.
Counterpoint: No, men should not have to lower the seat after using the bathroom.
By: Rev. Dr. Dee Dee Turlington, Esq., Attorney at Law
I‘ve been going to the bathroom my whole life. I go three to five times a day on average. That means I’ve gone to the bathroom close to 30,000 times in my life, which makes me an expert on all things related to going to the bathroom. And, in all my years as a bathroom expert, I have come across no issue as ludicrous as the argument that men should have to lower the toilet seat after going number one.
Proponents of the opposing side claim that, sometimes, for whatever reason, people don’t look at the seat before sitting down. I agree with this argument; I, too, occasionally neglect to look before sitting. However, this argument is a two-way street. What if, after going to the bathroom, one* needs to rush back to something? What if, after using the toilet, one forgets to lower the seat? As an upstanding young gentleman, I lower the seat as often as I can as a courtesy to the next user. However, nobody’s perfect, and sometimes I forget.
Regardless of whether I lower the seat or not, it’s not my responsibility to do so. A man who forgets to lower the seat after they’ve gone pee pee is not at fault if the next user of the toilet goes poo poo and gets stuck. It’s important for one to take responsibility for one’s actions (or lack thereof, in this case), and blaming someone else for one’s potty predicament is downright immature.
Furthermore, people usually look at the toilet before sitting down on it. People who pee standing up, however, often don’t raise the seat. Forcing the few remaining men that do lift the seat to put it back down post-pee will result in fewer men lifting the seat in the first place. If men are forced to lower the seat after going to the bathroom, expect a whole lot more pee on the toilet seat.
Above all, forcing men to lower the toilet seat would be undoing generations of mental conditioning. Men have never been strictly held to this standard before, and their habit of not lowering the seat is deeply ingrained in them. Forcing men to lower the toilet seat would be like forcing a lion to become a vegetarian: it’s nigh impossible and not natural.
We can continue traveling the road we’re on, or we can force men to lower the seat, resulting in exponentially more pee on the seat and generally frustrated males. I hope most people would prefer the former.
*My computer’s thesaurus claims that using “one” as a pronoun is considered to be “pompous” by some. If you’re one of those people, fuck you.