Pentagon Opens Combat Roles to Women Despite Periods and Boobs

WASHINGTON, DC - For the first time in history, the Pentagon has opened all military combat roles to women, provided they pass the required physical screening.  The decision is the conclusion to decades of arguments in which some believe that restricting women in the military is outdated and based in sexism, while others worry about women having both periods and boobs.

Following the press release, Sergeant Aaron O’Donnel voiced his immediate concerns.

“What if her tampon falls out on the battlefield, and her gun gets jammed with blood, and she’s too irrational to fix it?  Then she’s gonna start crying, and our cover is blown.  It’s dangerous and gross.”

Of course, menstruation was not the only biological characteristic of females that was under attack.

“Boobs get in the way of all the army crawling they do out there.” Said Jeffrey Owens, local dad, “God’s the one who’s sexist, not me.  If he wanted women to be equal to men he wouldn’t have put those voluptuous bumps right on their chests.”

Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has pushed through the disapproval from old men and stood firm behind the decision claiming that, “women are just as capable as men when it comes to sacrificing their lives for the vague notion of freedom.”