Paranoid Nerds Successfully Stop Zombie Outbreak
All eyes were on San Diego last week as the annual San Diego Comic Con was in full-swing, but what you may not have noticed was a sudden surge—and drop—in zombie attacks.
Yes, it appears that at approximately 11am Saturday morning, an unidentified bioweapon was unleashed in the San Diego Convention Center, immediately infecting over three dozen attendees and threatening thousands more. Why haven’t you heard about it? Because of the impressive—and somewhat disturbing—resourcefulness of the con’s many nerds.
“Everywhere I go, I try to imagine what would happen in case of a zombie attack,” said perennial con-goer Fred Chandler, his breath reeking of Mountain Dew, his fingertips permanently stained by Doritos cheese dust. “I’m always looking for potential weapons or escape routes. It’s a bit of a hobby of mine.”
Other attendees marveled at the brutal efficiency of the nerds as they slew zombies and quarantined the area.
One convention goer, speaking to the press said, “There was one guy, he had this big foam anime sword, you know? Like from Inuyasha or something? And he just went to town on one of the zombies, smashing its head in with a toy sword. He really seemed to be enjoying it." The attendee later admitted “it was kind of creepy to watch.”
But some con-goers weren’t impressed. One man—who insisted on being referred to by his in-character name, Dark’nez Ravenway—saw the entire event unfold from a second-floor balcony. “Yeah, they did alright, I guess. But if I had my hunting rifle, I could have taken out those zombies way faster. Pow, right in the brainstem every time,” he said with uncomfortable casualty as he pretended to aim a gun at a crowd of people.
Special recognition for stemming the braindead onslaught goes to local teen, David Swanson, who decapitated 11 zombies using a gaudy dragon-shaped katana that he purchased on the internet.
Speaking to the press just hours after the outbreak, his blade still covered in blood, the mentally-imbalanced child said, “I just want to thank my Sensei, Ken-sama for teaching me the ancient art of Bushido, and all of my Sempais at the Dojo for believing in me. I hope now I’ll be able to pass my Purple Belt Exam! Ohaiyo gozaimasu!”