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Oscar Buzzed

Oscar Buzzed

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In case anyone hasn’t gone on the internet today, the Oscar nominees were announced this morning! A few surprises, some snubs (where was Jack and Jill?!), but mostly just confusion. “What are all these movies about?” you’re thinking, “I have never even heard of them! Whine whine whine, me me me!” Well calm down, Pi Phi! Don’t worry, I’m a film major, I’ll simplify it for you: The Artist A haunting look at the life of Van Gogh. Think bright, colorful, and loud.

The Descendants Surprisingly not about balls.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close A compilation of home movies depicting your grandfather spurting off racist insults and confusing you with your sister.

The Help A team of psychiatrists check themselves into a mental hospital for help. Meta!

Hugo He was probably one of the characters from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. See how Hugo lives his day to day life!

Midnight in Paris It’s got Owen Wilson, so you can safely assume it also has Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson. Hilarity will ensue!

Moneyball Also surprisingly not about testicles.

The Tree of Life Spin off of Pocahontas.

War Horse Today I found out it’s War Horse, not Warm Whores. My review stands: It’s about a pathetic creature trying to redeem itself, who probably dies in the end.

Kung Fu Panda 2 Surprisingly, this is about balls!

Drive Out of the 26 films Ryan Gosling was in last year, this was definitely in the top 30. Watch as Ryan Gosling drives a car around a city! What could be better?! (Nothing. Nothing will ever be better than Ryan Gosling doing anything. I would watch the shit out of a movie about Ryan Gosling trimming his nose hairs.)

Bridesmaids If you’re stupid enough to be reading this, I know that you saw at least 3 movies this year, and this is one of them. You know the plot: Kristen Wiig is the unconvincing ugly and pathetic friend, and Melissa McCarthy shits in a sink. Someone gets married.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Like Toy Story, but with Tinker Toys!

Just kidding, I didn’t see any of these films. I’m just an asshole. Here is my actually helpful guide to the Oscars:

The Artist Should have been called: Look at This Fucking Hipster Film I would have seen it if it was called: Adorable Dog and Sort of Good Looking Man Make Out

The Descendants Should have been called: George Clooney Cries and Runs in Hawaii I would have seen it if it was called: The Descendants Starring Ryan Gosling

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Should have been called: 9/11 Movie That Has Very Little to Do With 9/11 I would have seen it if it was called: Let’s be real, there was no chance I was seeing this

The Help Should have been called: Sassy Black Maids Kick Some Sass Sassily I would have seen it if it was called: Emma Stone Looks Ugly, Don’t You Feel Better About Yourself?

Hugo Should have been called: Look at Scorsese’s Range! I would have seen it if it was called: The Adventures of Tintin

Midnight in Paris Should have been called: Woody Allen Strolls Around Paris in an Owen Wilson Costume I would have seen it if it was called: Midnight in Amsterdam

Moneyball Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar I would have seen it if it was called: Get Jonah Hill to the Oscars

The Tree of Life Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar Pt 2 I would have seen it if it was called: Literally anything else more descriptive would have been great

War Horse Should have been called: Actually War Horse pretty much sums it up I would have seen it if it was called: Don’t Worry, He Doesn’t Die

Kung Fu Panda 2 Should have been called: Jack Black is as Fat and Funny as a Panda 2 I would have seen it if it was called: Kung Fu Panda 2 Produced By Pixar

Drive Should have been called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask I would have seen it if it was called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask

Bridesmaids Should have been called: Girls Can Make the Funnys, Too I would have seen it if it was called: Kristen Wiig Dies in the End

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Should have been called: This Movie is Well Over Two Hours Long I would have seen it if it was called: Jonathan Tinker Taylor Thomas

Just kidding, that was still unhelpful! I’m still an asshole! Thanks for reading!

-Ali Parr

Point/Counterpoint: The Base System

Point/Counterpoint: The Base System

Love a Random State: Ohio

Love a Random State: Ohio