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Opinion: We Brexited Before it Was Cool

Opinion: We Brexited Before it Was Cool

Over these past few weeks I’ve been hearing a lot of hubbub about the so-called “Brexit.” Everybody's all like “Brexit this” and “Brexit that” and “I’d like a side of Brexit with that, please and thank you.” The stock market tanked. There’s a spike in hate crimes. The EU is breaking up. And as we are faced with the possible collapse of our global economy, there’s only one thing that’s been on my mind:

We.

Did.

It.

First.

That’s right, while England took a full 950 years after its founding in 1066 to get its shit together and leave its mother country (or continent, whatever), America got that shit done a full 240 fucking years ago. We ditched England as soon as we saw things were going south- and now look at them. They are United King-DONE. And guess who called it first? If you said America, then that’s right pussy-lickers, we did.

But did we get a cool portmanteau? No. Of course not. I don’t see people saying, “Oh, Happy Amexit Day! You gonna sips some brewskas and grill hottos on the qua’? No. I haven’t heard anything even remotely close to that. All we get is the “4th of July,” which is just the fucking day that the holiday occurs. Or “Independence Day?” That’s just a rip-off of that Jeff Goldblum movie. And the Amexit is wayyyy cooler than the Brexit. Check it:

  1. America threw tea overboard in a harbor (like true ballers). Britain would never throw their tea in a harbor, unless it was part of a Sherlock episode called “The Mysterious Case of The Tea in The Harbor.”
  2. America’s revolution had the Intolerable Acts. Britain just has intolerant people.
  3. America has “Hamilton” to tell our story. All Britain has is “Mary Poppins.” Uh, Mary Poppins isn’t even about the Brexit, you dumb wankers!
  4. America made a Declaration of Independence. Britain just made a declaration of pence (from the euro). Not as catchy.
  5. America’s revolution was led by a bunch of spoiled old white people. Oh wait, that’s true with the Brexit too, I guess. Huh.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. My point being is before everybody makes such a brouhaha over those crumbling tossers, just look at America. We Amexited a full 240 years ago and now everybody is wearing our blue jeans and listening to our popular tunes! We’re a trendsetter in culture, and independence movements. So I’m pretty sure everything will turn out fine with Not-So-Great (see what I did there?) Britain.

Happy Amexit Day!

-Sherman Ave

Freshman Guide: The Facebook Group

Freshman Guide: The Facebook Group

Area Man Makes Plans Just For The Sweet Relief of Canceling Them

Area Man Makes Plans Just For The Sweet Relief of Canceling Them