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One Book One Northwestern Lowers Expectations with "Goodnight Moon"

One Book One Northwestern Lowers Expectations with "Goodnight Moon"

EVANSTON, IL- In a highly anticipated press conference Sunday, One Book One Northwestern announced that this year’s One Book will be the famous children’s novella, Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown.

While criticized in the past for being a bloated vanity project that has little relevance outside of blowing students’ tuition money, One Book has decided this year to settle for even less.

“With every year, One Book hopes to unite the campus to create dialogue for lasting change. Who is this lunar figure we feel compelled to wish goodnight? And why does this practice never extend to the self--why no ‘goodnight you?’” questioned the organization in an email this morning that was immediately marked as spam by over 91 percent of the Northwestern student body. “But honestly,” the email concluded, “we just want someone to read this thing. You don’t have to like it or even understand it, we just want you to read it. Please?”

“We’ve honestly reached a breaking point,” said Marla Robbins, a spokeschair for the organization. “We did Handmaid’s Tale this year because we thought the show would give us a boost, but no one showed up to that weekly book club we had in the Locy basement. The Norris mini-horses during finals week get more interactions from students than us. We are truly desperate and are willing to do anything it takes to get students to read it.”

Along with reducing the reading level of the book selection, the program is considering even more changes to the program to increase student participation. Initiatives mentioned at the press conference included throwing copies of Goodnight Moon through open dorm windows; taking inspiration from Central American dictatorships by broadcasting an audio recording of the text from an armored vehicle in the early hours of morning; and Clockwork Orange-ing students’ eyes open while flashing images of the book in front of them.

“Please, for the love of all that is holy, help us out. If even one goddamn person reads this book, the curse will finally be lifted and we can all finally die. Money? You want money? You want goddamn money? You want to be goddamn paid for this? Sure. Fine. Fuck it! Just read the book.”

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