WASHINGTON-- President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.
“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”
Obama reportedly informed Kardashian, known primarily for her famous video, of his commemoration via text message early on Tuesday.
“U want sum fuk?” Obama texted her, before following up with “8=====D~~~~ POTUS SPLOOGE”
Kardashian, who was reportedly initially surprised by the offer, released a statement after the President’s address saying that while she was committed to her fiance Kanye West, she is “more committed to being famous so yeah I think I’m gonna go ahead and do this. Plus, he’s black. So.”
Sources close to the president said that he had devoted serious consideration to how best to honor Kennedy’s legacy over the past few months, including a potential botched invasion of Texas or telling the nation, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who around here knows how to write code and if they have any ideas for this damn healthcare website.”
After speaking at length with Caroline Kennedy, Obama settled on carrying on a lengthy public affair with the buxom brunette instead.
“It’s what daddy would have wanted,” Caroline Kennedy said in a statement.