WASHINGTON DC--According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.” “This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans and Vikings and Giants and Texans all getting offended every other time some drunk idiot starts a fight with a slur. I’m going to count to five, and when I’m done, you’re all going to stop all this silly business with the names and we’re going to be the Funshine and Rainbows from now on. Do you understand?”
Obama reportedly made team owner Daniel Snyder “sit there and think about all the minorities you’ve offended,” and ordered that when he is done, he and the rest of the Washington Baby Hugs are to go back and apologize to the Oneida tribe.
Public opinion on news of the renaming has been generally supportive. Ohio native Chad Brantley says that a change of name wouldn’t diminish his enjoyment of the sport itself.
“I’ll go watch the Polite Pandas beat the shit out of everyone no matter what their name is,” said Brantley through a mouthful of bacon and beer. “In fact, I’d be pumped if my man Bro-bama would maybe work some My Little Pony characters into the NBA once he’s done with this project.”
Obama is reportedly urging the rest of the NFL to “go out there, and play nice, and do NOT make me call your First Lady.”