Northwestern Shuttle Missing for Ten Days; Found in Lake Michigan
EVANSTON, IL - A bus along Sheridan containing a full load of zero passengers recently disappeared from campus. After ten days of intense lounging-about, authorities announced that they believe the bus was driven into Lake Michigan.
“Once we finally left the police station, we noticed the bus sized holes through Kellogg and the Main Library. Honestly, at first we assumed this was just the typical decrepit state of the campus buildings, but after following the trail through Einstein’s and Core 1N we noticed a bus-like-object face down in the lake” explained Head of Campus Police Ross Sweet.
Medill sophomore Tiffany Jenkinson pointed to the SGA’s failings: “If only we had spent our 10K on black box program for the buses, we would have more complete record of what exactly happened; the debris, tire tracks, and witnesses just can’t paint the same picture as an audio recording of the deafening silence as the empty bus plunged into the depths of Lake Michigan.”
During the ten days in which the bus had yet to be discovered, The Daily opted for full coverage of the scandal. Despite having no new facts to report for the entire span of the incident, the publication managed to put out 20 articles, multiple podcasts, and even a video report spouting plausible explanations such as “aliens!” or “the Young Republicans club!”
Many on campus were captivated by the story: Weinberg Junior Mark McJunkins noted that he was “so engrossed in the missing bus crisis” that he “forgot to attend that mad-sick finals party.” When pressed further, McJunkins admitted that what he actually meant was the 24 hour “study party” for his macro final.
Director of Student Transportation Eric Seltzerman says students shouldn’t worry as the department is taking steps to fix the problem. The transportation department had originally “designed our app and printed schedules to be so inaccurate as to make effective use of the system impossible” but given the recent incident they’ve decided to cut their losses by “ending scheduled busing entirely.”
The new dearth of buses does not represent a large change from the status quo. It is widely believed that buses and their respective drivers spend 95% of their time chillin’ at Andy’s instead of running their regular routes. This trend that was first reported by Sherman Ave last March when a long line of buses was spotted parked on Chicago Avenue, with their drivers sitting outside the popular ice-cream joint, their uniforms stained with vanilla and chocolate.