Northwestern Football Powertrips into the 21st Century, or “Ermahgerd, Nerr Yernerferms!”

We didn’t think it could be done. It seemed wildly inconceivable. Yet here we are, faced with the undeniable truth that Northwestern football, a team that has not won a bowl game since before the Korean War, is on a massive powertrip. The latest evidence is the new line of Under Armour uniforms that were rolled out this week. Complete with skin-tight fabric and really intense looking action shots (thank GAWD there were no defenders around the ruin the photoshoot, amirite?), these uniforms demonstrate that NU truly can create a powertrip out of being ten years behind the curve in uniform creativity.  As unofficial sponsors of the powertrip, we’re quite impressed by the Northwestern football team’s ability to turn new clothing into a reason to powertrip on all of the things.

What makes it truly stunning, however, is the nature of these uniforms. The press release describes them as “ innovative” and claims that the uniforms were uniquely designed to inexplicably represent the architecture of Northwestern’s campus. Which would be a little more believable if they’d just stuck a random blob of Annie May Swift Hall Orange in the middle of the stomach. But the uniforms are of course revolutionary and innovationy, assuming that since I just made up the word “innovationy” I can decide that its definition is “pretty much the same as all the Under Armour and Nike Pro Combat uniforms that other schools have had over the last decade.” That’s a fucking catchy definition.

You’d think that would be enough for NU football. But this is The Powertrip That Never Ends, so of course they came up with a way to keep the fun going. See that stripe across the center of the shirt? That is a NORTHWESTERN STRIPE! A whole strip named after us! Harvard has that Obama guy, U of C has the atomic bomb, and we have a stripe. Yay us.

Now the biggest question is exactly how many more wins per year these jerseys guarantee us. I’m putting the over/under at 2 based on the fact that while putting these uniforms in at cornerback would be a great way to shore up the secondary, our defensive line is the real weak spot and I’m not sure that these uniforms have the size to match up with a Big Ten O-line. Only time will tell how much more winninger we become once our players put on those famous Northwestern Stripes, but we can be sure of one thing: regardless, we will absolutely find a way to powertrip off of it. It’s just, like, what we do.