Norris Replaces Subway With Troughs of "Food Slop"
EVANSTON, Ill. — In a press conference earlier today, Norris Center’s executive director Kelly Schaefer announced that the student center has closed the recently opened Subway restaurant and replaced it with troughs of “food slop."
“Over the past few weeks, we’ve received a massive influx of negative student feedback following the opening of a Subway restaurant in Norris Center to provide healthy dining options for students. In response to this radical response we’ve decided that you can all go fuck yourselves,” said Schaefer in a heated press conference which took place in the Norris Center Willie’s Food Court.
The food court now houses several troughs of food slop, located in front of the recently closed Subway sandwich restaurant. The troughs promise to provide a simple dining choice for students meeting at Norris or simply for someone who wants to grab a meal on-the-go.
“We tried to provide a reasonable and inexpensive dining option, and since you obviously can’t handle that, you can just feed yourselves like fucking pigs. See if I care,” added Schaefer, gesturing toward a stainless steel vat labeled Food for you goddamn animals. “We receive little to no feedback from students until we make a move to try to help, and then suddenly you’re all too special to eat a goddamn ham sandwich.”
SESP senior Jack Diggler was the first student to dine at the troughs. Press photographers captured the moment he submerged what Schaefer called “his filthy little suckhole” into a congealed slurry labeled “Theme Food."
Several student advocacy groups have begun petitioning against this recent move, calling it a retrograde movement for healthy dining at Northwestern and criticizing the limited choices it provides students with.
Kelly Schaefer has responded to protests regarding nutrition and health, saying, “If you want it to be a healthy option, then don’t eat so much, if you fat fucks can manage it.”
“All of the vats are almost the same food,” complained Tanisha Jones, Weinberg sophomore. “The ‘Theme Cuisine’ trough might have salsa in it, I think,” she added, scrutinizing the slop while kneeling to eat from the “Homestyle” trough. Tanisha expressed she was, however, pleased she would be able to use her equivalency meals to eat throughout the day before submerging her face in the vat.
Steve Mangan, resident district manager for NU Cuisine, said that a kosher option would be available for Jewish students, served from a brown Styrofoam trough near the end of the Cafe.
“I dare you little shits to complain about this,” Schaefer shouted to students leaving the dining area as Willie’s Cafe closed at 3 pm. “Just you fucking wait and see what happens then."
--Sparky Brownwhistle
