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Norbucks Barista Renames Student

Norbucks Barista Renames Student

According to reports this past Monday, Communication Freshman Rachel Sokoloff has officially changed her name to Ritshell, following in the footsteps of the many Norbucks junkies before her who were also broken by the barista team’s relentless misspellings.

“At first, you know, I just thought maybe she couldn’t hear me. Then I saw a theatre major walk away with a cup that had Guillermo written on the side when I’m pretty sure everyone in Norris heard him say his name was Mark.” Ritshell added that this wasn’t Guillermo’s first name change, and that the baristas were likely getting back at him for attempting to reclaim his identity as “Mark.”

“Besides, accepting your Norbucks name is, like, campus tradition,” said Sokoloff. “Right up there with painting the rock and pretending to be interested in whatever’s up at the Dittmar Gallery for free food. All of my friends changed their names too: Dreg, Tynsly, Wldksghads, and even G&*@!s. I honestly don’t remember what their names were before, but G&*@!s likes to joke that now AND really is in his DNA.” Sokoloff laughed. “Classic G&*@!s.”

After Sokoloff’s name change, Ritshell reported that she was fortunate enough to witness Northwestern University’s President, Muscles Snugglebottom, pick up his venti iced chai, which was like, so fucking weird because Ritshell got the same thing like 20 minutes earlier.

We Are the Old People of Norris, Here for Your Youth and a Light Lunch

We Are the Old People of Norris, Here for Your Youth and a Light Lunch

Letter to the Editor: Greek life is less fun now that I can’t psychologically damage 30 18-year-olds every winter

Letter to the Editor: Greek life is less fun now that I can’t psychologically damage 30 18-year-olds every winter