No Bones About It: The Skeleton Conspiracy
Friends, right now there is a war going on, just beneath the surface. Just beneath the skin. As I write this, I shudder with dread and fear, but someone needs to tell you the truth. Someone needs to give you the red pill, to pull back the curtain on the stage of life and let you see the world for what it really is—a farce, written and directed by the enemy of all mankind: Skeletons.
I can sense your incredulity. I can smell it. I have a very good sense of smell. Let me drop some facts on you:
- Skeletons have been around for thousands, perhaps even millions of years.
Since man first learned how to stand on two legs, we have known skeletons. Often burying themselves deep underground in a kind of cryo-stasis, we've found humanoid skeletons dating as far back as 40,000 BCE. What's more, skeleton scientists have found evidence of a race of enormous lizard-like skeletons, that probably ruled the earth hundreds of millions of years ago.
- 9 out of 10 Americans have a skeleton inside them right now.
Here's a little test for you at home. Take your fingers and put them on the top of your head. Do you feel something hard, round and maybe a little bony? Now, stand up, and jump around a little bit. Do your legs simply collapse on themselves like lifeless tubes of meat, or is there some sort of rigid structure that's keeping you from falling? Now finally, punch a wall as hard as you can, over and over again. If you hear a cracking sound, there's a good chance that you've got a skelly.
- Skeletons want to eat you.
Scientists don't know when exactly skeletons changed from living independently, to living inside our bodies. Perhaps, as early humans began to dominate the natural world, the skeletons saw a way to protect themselves from the elements by hiding inside us. Perhaps there was once a great skeleton civilization, that we humans destroyed, and this is their bitter revenge. Perhaps they just think it's spookier this way. Regardless, one thing is clear, all skeletons eat humans, and humans exclusively. Don't believe me? Go down to your favorite local cemetery, dig up a nice-lookin' grave, and tell me what you see. See any meat, or hair, or eyeballs? No you don't. Just a skeleton. Skeleton ate all the meat a long time ago.
What Can We Do?
In the short term: nothing. Skeletons are among the most crafty and adaptable parasites on Earth. Perhaps the greatest trick the skeleton ever played was convincing mankind it was always part of them. Pound for pound, skeletons are stronger than steel, and even if you do manage to break your skeleton, it can repair itself with terrifying efficiency. However, researchers at the LHC (Large Halloween Collection) in Switzerland are currently experimenting to find the rumored 4Spooky—a particle so spooky-scary, it could theoretically rattle the bones right out of your body.
My dream is that one day, every child will be born free of the skeleton menace: just a gelatinous mass of meat, hair, and skin, free to slither anywhere it wants without fear of being eaten, just as nature intended.