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New Study: Average American Swallows 10 Snow Leopards Annually in Their Sleep

New Study: Average American Swallows 10 Snow Leopards Annually in Their Sleep

A new study at Northwestern University has revealed that on average, Americans consume 10 snow leopards each year in their sleep.

Lead scientist Dr. Knutt explained that the human mouth provides a dark, quiet, and moist environment for the snow leopards to relax in, and because many people sleep with their mouths wide open, snow leopards can climb right in and get comfy.

This news comes as a shock to many Americans, who had previously suspected arachnids to be the sole species to enter their oral orifices during sleep. According to new evidence, however, Snow Leopards are also frequent guests in the human cavity.

When asked about the breaking news, local spider Lupert told reporters the spider community has never felt so ostracized. “Previously, spiders had been the only organism than humans consumed unconsciously,” said Lupert. “And everyone made fun of us for enjoying the thrilling, water park-esque journey throughout the human digestive system. The animal community judged our kind for the pleasure we took in sliding down the slimy human esophagus for years. And now the snow leopards are doing it, and suddenly it’s cool?”

The study comes in the wake of reports from the Global Snow Leopard Forum that the endangered species’ population has been dropping once again.

“We are now investigating the number of snow leopard deaths from human ingestion, a factor we hadn’t even considered in contributing to the species’ decline previously,” said a Global Snow Leopard Forum spokeswoman.

Despite concerns from the Global Snow Leopard Forum, Knutt maintains the phenomenon is nothing to worry about. “People sleep right through it” Knutt said. “And as long as humans aren’t dying, you don’t really need to give a shit.”

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Opinion - Northwestern’s Political Correctness Encroaches on Student Freedoms, Such as Stalking

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