EVANSTON, Il. - A new meal plan will allow Northwestern students to exchange their self-esteem for food at Norris Student Center’s recently-opened Dunkin' Donuts. The plan will allow the fast-food chain, along with Northwestern, to capitalize on the plummeting self-confidence of students who eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.
“On opening day it became immediately clear that after eating our donuts, students were losing self-esteem and satisfaction with their body image—mostly due to the fattening nature of the food we sell,” said Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin' Donuts. “We figured we might as well turn a profit on their loss.”
Students will still be able to pay for donuts and sandwiches with Equivalency Meals, Munch Money, and points. NUcuisine yesterday released a more detailed explanation of the meal plan, summarized here:
| Food Item | Cost in Self-Esteem |
| One Glazed Donut | Deep sigh |
| Hash Browns | Remembering you haven’t exercised in a week |
| Texas Toast Grilled Cheese | Listening to “Mad World” on repeat |
| Half-Dozen Glazed Donuts | Clicking through skinny photos of you from Senior prom |
| Turkey, Cheddar & Bacon Sandwich | Taking sandwich back to dorm to eat alone |
| Bacon Ranch Chicken Sandwich | Excessive use of cologne/perfume to hide stench of sandwich |
| Double Cocoa Fritter | Avoiding reflection post-shower |
| Dozen Donuts | Google searching for the most unhealthy meals sold at fast food restaurants, realizing what you just ate is at the top of the list, taking out your frustration by pushing some guy in glasses, being labeled a bully, everyone knowing that bullies are the most self-conscious of all |
To ensure that students lose self-respect, Travis has asked cashiers to smirk at students as they hand them their orders. He cites the new meal plan as a brilliant economic idea.
"We sell our product to the student, who loses self-esteem. Then he or she studies for a chemistry mid-term with low self-confidence—what tasty pastry is a trap for nervous, unconfident young people? That’s right, a delicious and delectable donut from Dunkin’ Donuts. It all comes full circle.”
At press time…mmm, donuts.
