Mother Withdraws Star Quarterback from Team on Grounds of Dirty Laundry, Definitely Not Concussions
EVANSTON, IL - Patricia Annika, concerned mother of Northwestern’s new starting quarterback Ryan Annika, announced her decision Tuesday to pull her son out of college because she was “tired of cleaning the grass stains.” Ryan Annika, who lives at home, has also sustained four major concussions, although his mother said those were besides the point.
Annika’s withdrawal from college football follows a string across the Big 10, with mothers from Iowa, Michigan State and Ohio State voicing similar laundry-based rationales. While Annika is not the first mother to voice her concerns, she is certainly the loudest, broadcasting her laundry furor in an ESPN press conference.
“It’s time that football airs its dirty laundry,” she said with her cross-eyed son wobbling beside her.
Ryan Annika attempted to field questions, although he was unable to hear any of the audience’s questions due to an overwhelming ringing in his ears. His mother explained the temporary hearing loss was from the deafening roar of her washing machine battling Ryan’s grass-stained jerseys. Ryan promptly exited the stage, vomiting at the foot of the steps.
Northwestern Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald embraced the criticism, explaining grass stains do not necessarily have to be a part of football’s good ‘ol head-knockin’ fun. According to Fitzgerald, clean laundry is his number one priority, promising to devote the entirety of the team’s helmet budget to new industrial laundry machines.
“Three out of every four football players experiences dirty laundry,“ Fitzgerald said, citing a recent federal Centers for Detergent Control (CDC) report. ”That is unacceptable. A snappily dressed team is preferable over those clunky and totally dweebish helmets, if you ask me.”