Mole People Uprising Injures 23; Kelsey Grammer Reportedly to Rise Again
EVANSTON, Il - Fighting between Northwestern students and the mole people civilization beneath NU’s Technological Institute has intensified this week. The hybrid mole/human species that occupies the tunnels below Northwestern’s most mysterious building attacked in force led by their king, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer. Grammer could not be reached for comment seeing as how he now resides in the shadows with his rodent kin. The only communication with the assailants came from victim reports of the mole men and women whispering in unison, “Frasier Forever” during their retreat to the depths of Tech. In response, the University has commissioned freshman-engineering classes to rebuild the barricades destroyed during the most recent attack.
Various camps have formed within the NU student body in support and opposition to the mole people conflict. Both groups of protesters have been seen flyering at the Rock in hopes to further their respective causes. “Mole Shmole Go Back to Your Hole” has echoed around campus along with chants more personally directed at Grammer. “Frasier was a meaningless cash grab and Boss wasn’t even that good and I live in Lincoln Park!” shouted Jake Par, a Weinberg sophomore.
Across the metaphoric line in the sand some students have been calling for diplomacy with the mole civilization. Proposed ideas included playing episodes from the later seasons of Cheers and Frasier itself on the Tech flat screens. “I thought Boss was like a friendly, neighborhood House of Cards,” states junior Alyssa Bedding.
A rumor has spread that Grammer has orchestrated this long con in an attempt to star as the Underminer in Incredibles II.