Millions Rejoice At The Thought Of Beyoncé Having Sex
NEW YORK-- Revelers took the streets worldwide Friday as news broke that Beyoncé is expecting a second child, indicating that Our Queen has indeed engaged in sexual intercourse once again. Spontaneous celebrations were seen in cities in more than 180 countries, with crowds carrying banners and signs adorned with such slogans as "CONGRATS HOVA," "TWICE AS NICE," "BEY HAD SEX! KEG KEG KEG!" and "I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT BEYONCE'S BOOBIES :D"
Those in the crowds said that as soon as they heard the news of B's second coital, they dropped everything to take to the streets.
"I was at work when I saw a status about the Beyntercourse that had taken place," said Anna Westerton, who was among a group of several thousand celebrators outside the United Nations. "I just up and quit on the spot. I mean, this is the second most important day of my life. Right behind the first time She had sex."
Others in the crowds said that they believed the Second Coming could have vast global ramifications.
"With everything happening in the world these days, it's just nice to stop for a second and think about the fact that Beyoncé has recently engaged in vaginal intersex," said reveler Jeffrey Timmonds as he attempted to storm London's Buckingham Palace and remove "that fraud." "The world's a fucked up place," he said, gesturing toward an Arby's restaurant, "so it helps to find the bright spots."
President Barack Obama held a Rose Garden press conference shortly after the news broke to congratulate Jay-Z's penis and declared Friday national "Beyoncé Had Sex, Just Think About That For A Minute, Isn't That Awesome To Think About" day.
"We as a nation have gone down a long road," Obama said. "There have been storm clouds and dark days. But it is the undeniable, unbreakable spirit of the American people to rise up together in our toughest hours and say, 'I live in a world where Beyoncé has done at least two sex. Everything's going to be OK.'"