Michele Bachmann Shudders As Gays Learn To Make Fire
STILLWATER, Minn. -- After news broke that the Boy Scouts of America lifted its ban on gays in the organization, U.S. Representative and notorious corn dog gargler Michele Bachmann shuddered audibly this afternoon at the thought that America's homosexuals would soon learn how to create fire.
"Uuuuugggghhhh," reported Bachmann as she convulsed uncontrollably. "I just...I can't believe that...uuuugggghhhhh."
After a series of what she called "the gay shakes," Bachmann was able to finally form a coherent sentence.
"Fire was first created in the Paleolithic Era, approximately 4,500 years ago," said Bachmann. "It is the utmost symbol of tradition. The fact that these gays want to come here and steal this tradition and use it for their own sick purposes is, just...uuuuuugggghhhhh."
Added Bachmann, "I'M ON FUCKING SHUDDER ISLAND HERE."
Political allies of Bachmann rushed to her aid, proclaiming that they felt similarly about the dangers of allowing homosexuals to join the Boy Scouts. Among these was former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.
"This is a slippery, slippery slope," said Huckabee, putting undue emphasis on the word 'slippery'. "Today they're learning to collect wood and build fires, tomorrow they're learning to collect uranium and build bombs."
The nation's prospective homosexual boy scouts, or "HoBoScos," felt very strongly about the issue.
"Oh my god, this is, like, the 21st century," said Marc Hollens, the nation's collective gay friend. "The Boy Scout motto is 'Be Prepared.' It's not 'Be Prepared Unless You Like Dicks.'" Hollens added that he was excited to join the Boy Scouts and "start scouting boys as soon as possible."
Wayne Perry, the 34th President of the Boy Scouts of America and distant relative of cultural icon Tyler Perry, was not available to comment, but did release a statement this morning announcing that, despite the ban being lifted, uniforms "would not become any gayer."