Mayfest calls on Pres. Obama to open up strategic wristband reserves
As prices climb to worrying degrees, Mayfest has made urgent requests for the Obama administration to dip into the strategic wristband reserves for Dillo Day.
Early on Wednesday, Mayfest officials ceased distributing guest passes, thus removing any possibility of showing state school friends that Northwestern knows how to “really party.” The reasoning behind this decision has not been released, but signs point to a rider in Chance the Rapper’s contract that his show is “just for the Cats.”
Economists have gathered in Chicago to discuss this concerning pronouncement. Thomas Piketty of France has placed blame squarely at the feet of the timeliest students, who had the gall to get their guest passes early. Zombie Milton Friedman, rising from the dead for this very occasion, stated that regulations were to blame.
“This is to be expected with incredibly low supply and high demand,” rasped Friedman. “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, and certainly not a free festival. This would have never happened at University of Chicago.”
Representatives of OPEC, who advised Mayfest on their decision to embargo guest passes, smiled knowingly while selling their own wristbands for $200 a pop.
Meanwhile, ticket lines have stretched for miles and owners of guest passes have quickly hoarded bullets to defend their wrists. Mayor Tisdahl has made passionate calls for calm from the student body. As an Evanston resident, however, she already has her four extra passes, which she is for some reason entitled to.
Pres. Obama has so far not stated whether he would access the strategic reserves. His VP Joe Biden has advised him to do so promptly, mainly because he has yet to get a wristband and “wants to see 2 Chainz like crazy.”