May Heinous First-Round Results: Busch-Light Division
Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu vs. Hammurabi/John J. Audubon
Winner: Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu
Sun-Tzu’s extensive knowledge of strategy really helped bring his team to victory in this game. Somehow, he was able to effectively rerack the cups in a way that his teammate, who we all know familiarly as “the deaf and blind chick we like to laugh at,” could sink three cups. Moreover, their opponents proved not to be especially formidable. Hammurabi spent most of the game just braiding his beard like he was Gimli the goddamn dwarf, and Audubon merely reinforced the well-known stereotype that ornithologists are not, in fact, beer pong all-stars. Keller and Sun-Tzu had no trouble gliding to a three-cup victory.
WIlliam Henry Harrison/Queen Victoria vs. Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Winner: Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Although WHH curled up with a blanket in a corner for a “nap” in the first 5 minutes and never returned (probably for the best), the game heated up quickly. Victoria alone was quite a match for Nietzsche and Khan, but soon the sexual tension became too much to handle. As Victoria and Khan took to each other like Lindsay Lohan to ruining her life, right there on the table, Nietzsche managed to finish the game by himself. Not 100% ‘legal’, strictly speaking, but are you really gonna argue with a man who has swords for arms and an iron dick? Or Nietzsche?
Malcolm X/Mao Zedong vs. Boris Yeltsin/Earl Grey
Winner: Malcolm X/Mao Zedong
Between Boris Yeltsin’s debilitating neurological disorder and Earl Grey’s refusal to drink piss-warm beer, the two were a very stoppable duo. What Malcolm X and Mao Zedong lacked in raw skill and compatible political ideologies they made up for in moral fiber. When Mao got discouraged after missing his fourth shot, Malcolm turned to him and shouted words of empowerment. “YOU ARE STRONG. YOU DESERVE TO WIN THIS.” And goddammit Mao turned it around. There was one sticky moment after Boris shot with his elbows over the table. Malcolm demanded that his team be awarded a three cup advance for Boris’ heinous transgression. Their offensively apathetic opponents were happy to oblige. Malcolm X and Mao Zedong shall proceed to round two.
J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra vs. General George Custer/Neville Chamberlain
Winner: J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra
This was one of the closest games of the first round, heading into a tense round of overtime before Hoover and Cleopatra emerged victorious. Hoover and Cleopatra were a pretty cohesive team, which was evident when they chest-bumped after every cup they made. General Custer made a pretty respectable showing, making 6 cups in regulation and 2 cups in overtime, but he was dragged down by Chamberlain, who is consistently ranked among history’s top 10 pussies. When it was time for the rebuttal shot in regulation, Custer had to talk Chamberlain out of simply offering the Sudetenland to Hoover and Cleopatra in exchange for a tie. However, the game was full of good sportsmanship, even amidst the overwhelming discomfort that ensued when Hoover celebrated by donning Cleopatra’s dress.