May Heinous Breakdown: Pabst Blue Ribbon Division
Yesterday, we unleashed the most heinous assault on history since the Cultural Revolution with Selection Sunday for May Heinous, our 32-team beer pong tournament featuring historical figures vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to firstname.lastname@example.org.
inundate educate our readers on the first-round matchups, our writers have briefly skimmed Wikipedia tirelessly researched the opening round contenders to provide an extensive breakdown of each team of historical figures. We hope our bracketology aids you in your quest for the perfect bracket. Tonight: The Pabst Blue Ribbon Division.
Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus Napoleon might be a quality partner, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a humongous temper and is paired with a pompous dickwaffle that won’t shut up about discovering the “new land,” which we interpret as the female body (let’s be real, Napolean isn’t tapping Sacagawea tonight). Christopher Columbus is a Genoese asshole who thinks that just because you’re a celebrity means you get to sail your ship into any damn harbor. This bitch would love to colonize your room tonight, so don’t plan on sleeping in your own bed. Strengths: Intimidation, Strategy Weaknesses: General douchebaggery, bad tempers Team Cohesiveness: 2/10 First-Round Opponents: Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac -Professor J. Reginald Vandernips
Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac American pop-Art founder Andy Warhol really shouldn’t be in a beer pong tournament unless it involves nude models, Marilyn Monroe, and Campbell’s soup cans. I don’t suspect he’ll be any good at taking shots and he’ll probably refuse to conform to established norms regarding re-racks. Beatnik writer Jack Kerouac, having played football at Columbia, might actually bring some amount of athleticism to this team, but will probably lose on purpose just so that he can drink himself into enough of a stupor to allow his suppressed homosexuality to come out. Watch out, Martin Luther! Strengths: Kerouac’s athleticism, Warhol’s re-racks (who knows how to shoot a ping pong ball into a zebra shaped arrangement of cups?) Weaknesses: A closeted gay man paired with a homosexual icon, Warhol’s supreme lack of athleticism Team Cohesiveness: 4/10 First-Round Opponents: Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus -Professor J. Reginald Vandernips
Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca While most claim that Sacagawea was a translator for Lewis and Clark and whatnot, we all know she was there as a sexual release (real talk). Hannibal is considered one of the greatest military strategists, but I can’t get past the fact that his name reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. In any case, this team is bound to accomplish some crazy shit. Hannibal is a boss and can strategize better than most other teams, while Sacagawea can use her long hair and Native American language to distract the other team. She can also throw gold dollar coins bearing her face at opponents (I’m sure those hurt). However, the language barrier may prove problematic when it comes to re-racking and shit-talking. Strengths: Navigation, Elephants Weaknesses: Communication, Avalanches Team Cohesiveness: 7/10 First-Round Opponents: General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger -Petunia Cracksparkler
General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger General George McClellan was a sub-par general who tried to oppose Lincoln in an election. Who the fuck does that?! Margaret Sanger established Planned Parenthood and was a birth control activist (SUCK IT, RUSH LIMBAUGH!). Things for this team could go either way. McClellan surely won’t bring much to the table, yet Sanger is a boss and could potentially put the team on her back. McClellan can’t really think on his feet, and often receives criticism for not utilizing every shot he’s allowed to take. However, McClellan might just be able to keep it together in the long run, or at least for as long as Sanger needs to kick ass and take names. Strengths: McClellan’s mustache, the team’s combined prissiness Weaknesses: Lack of strategic insight, low tolerance Team Cohesiveness: 4/10 First-Round Opponents: Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca -Petunia Cracksparkler
Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler Jane Austen: Badass novelist of realist romantic fiction. Adolf Hitler: extreme asswipe and former dictator of Nazi Germany. This was either a match made in heaven, or the wet dream of a heroin addict living in the Lower West Side who fell asleep while watching reruns of The Jetsons. While Hitler will surely bring a high level of determination and aggressive effort to the team, the duo’s success may be compromised by Jane’s likely efforts to undermine her misogynistic partner and general IDGAFing. Strengths: Makings pacts, breaking pacts, Mr. Darcy Weaknesses: Fan-section mostly limited to skinheads marching through Skokie and aging housewives Team Cohesiveness: 4/10 First-Round Opponents: General George S. Patton and Al Gore -Krystal
General George S. Patton and Al Gore General George S. Patton, known for his strong leadership of the United States Third Army during World War Two, pairs up with Al Gore, former future POTUS, in what should be an interesting game against Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler. The Patton-Gore team will bring bold and relentless efforts to the competition, but Gore’s flip-flopping tendencies could lower the pair’s chances of seizing victory over Austen and Hitler. Expect for Patton to make Der Führer become Der Fürious with repeated mentions of the Invasion of Normandy. Strengths: The Popular Vote, being the greatest general in history Weaknesses: The Electoral College, Car Crashes Team Cohesiveness: 6/10 First-Round Opponents: Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler -Krystal
Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin Feminist writer Kate Chopin is not what you’d call an “MVP Contender” in this year’s tournament. It’s not that she doesn’t have the potential for mediocrity, but rather that she’s too busy writing shitty novels about her white girl problems to invest anything into the game. Idi-Amin provides an interesting complement to Chopin. This Ugandan dictator is probably not used to being denied anything at all, let alone a measly beer pong victory. This team’s only chance to win will be if Idi-Amin’s determined attitude can motivate Ms. (or Mrs.? Then again, who gives a fuck) Chopin to get her head in the game. Otherwise, this team doesn’t pose too much of a threat. Strengths: Absolute power, “underdog” factor Weaknesses: Power-trip-induced delusion, Kate Chopin Team Cohesiveness: 4/10 First-Round Opponents: Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini -Ross Packingham
Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini If this tournament has a wildcard team, it’s these crazy fuckers; one sports analyst calls them the most eclectic team since the legendary Deng Xiaoping/Patrick Henry combo in 1995. Charles Darwin should make a pretty large contribution to this team -- the guy can probably hold his liquor pretty damn well. You really think he spent all that time on the Galapagos Islands just watching animals and shit? Nah, the guy was drinking Kahlua out of turtle shells. Ayatollah Khomeini should also be a strong player, but in a different way. His lack of experience drinking alcohol could be an obstacle, but he’s also very strong-willed and imposing, which can really go a long way. This firecracker of a team could really go either way; it should be really interesting. Strengths: Coups, Sea travel Weaknesses: Khomeini’s low tolerance, Darwin’s unpopularity with religious conservatives Team Cohesiveness: 5/10 First-Round Opponents: Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin -Ross Packingham