May Heinous Breakdown: Busch Light Division
Yesterday, we provided our
coked-out fans desperate for Rogger Rabbit-themed porn loyal readers with the first May Heinous preview, a rundown of the competitive Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. Tonight we continue our coverage of the 32-team beer pong tournament with our preview of the historical figures within the Busch Light Division vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu Helen Keller, bless her soul, was never one to take alcohol as a friend. It’s no surprise given drinking is only fun if you can see or hear the debauchery that occurring around you. So I would anticipate her be a supreme lightweight and either pass her drinks off to the little guy or blackout before we’re done. Considering as she’s already functionally “blacked out,” this shouldn’t take too long, but without most of her senses, Keller has little left to lose. While much has been made of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, far less scholarship has been devoted to Sunny’s earlier work, The Art of Pong. The treatise, hastily scrawled on cocktail napkins and the foreheads of Tzu’s vanquished foes, is considered by many Fratstars as the definitive piece on beer pong strategies and tactics at the time, and is still read for its insight, including the oft-repeated idiom “知己知彼，百戰不殆。” Strengths: Strategy, Tactics, Parables Weaknesses: Deaf, blind, already blackout First-Round Opponents: Hammurabi and John Audubon Team Cohesiveness: 3.7/10 -Evander Jones and Porky Saltstick
Hammurabi and John James Audubon Famed ornithologist, meet mediocre leader in Civilization IV. Hammurabi literally codified the rules of beer pong in stone, promulgating specific laws that governed rollbacks, overtime, re-racks, and punishing all transgressors with Sköl-induced death. Audubon, meanwhile, identified 25 new species of birds and a number of new sub-species, presumably to distract himself from his violent masturbation addiction. Expect Hammurabi to pursue a “Cup for Cup” strategy in the Ragin’ Mesopotamian’s quest to defeat Keller and Tzu. Strengths: Rule of law, beards Weaknesses: 1/2 of their team devoted his entire life to drawing pictures of pigeons. First-Round Opponents: Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu Team Cohesiveness: 1/10 -Evander Jones
William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria Old Willy, as his friends and doctors called him, was the 9th president of the US. And I do mean old. Pretty sure this dude was about 185 or so (so meaning 68) when elected, and presidency did not agree with him. And as far as beer pong skills go... have you ever watched your grandfather try to take his medication? Takes him about 6 tries to successfully get all of those little pills in his mouth. Now imagine that hot mess making an attempt at ping pong ball to cup. Vicky, on the other hand, has the tenacity of a sea turtle. Not only did she rule the United Kingdom for 63 years, but she also managed to have 9 kids without going batshit cray. Endurance, patience, and a vagina are all qualities of an excellent BP player.
The weak American and the powerful Brit. A new sitcom on fox or the best drinking duo this side of the frat quads? Only time will tell. Strengths: Child-bearing, defeating Indians Weaknesses: Pneumonia, waning empire Team Cohesiveness: 6.5/10 First-Round Opponents: Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan -Parrty Cat
Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan Nietzsche was a smart chap, but he was no frat bro. His downfall will be his handlebar mustache, and/or the fact that he has probably never even heard of the game. On the flipside, he IS German, and if there is one thing the Germans are especially good at, it’s drinking impressively. Genghis Khan, on the other hand, is a scary motherfucker. The only moment of weakness he showed in his entire life was his death, the reason for which is still uncertain to this day. I personally like the theory that one of his thousands of biddies hid a small pair of pliers inside her lady cave, which meant that when he...well you know. Long story short: Khan is the ultimate warrior, and should have no trouble tearing shit up in a beer pong game. Strengths: Brute strength, high tolerance Weaknesses: Depression, walls Team cohesiveness: 8/10 First-Round Opponents: William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria -Parrty Cat
Malcolm X and Mao Zedong Not to be confused with Denzel Washington, Malcom X is credited with boosting African American pride during the tumultuous Civil Rights era in the United States. His excellent rhetorical skills could really take a beer pong game in a number of directions. Mao Zedong, founder of the People’s Republic of China and a Communist revolutionary, is quite the interesting counterpart for Malcolm X. He kind of reminds us of that father figure who swears he has your best interests at heart, but also may publicly beat you to death if you don’t share your toys. We’re also not especially certain about Mao’s familiarity with the game. Strengths: Team morale, self-image Weaknesses: Temper, poor strategy Team Cohesiveness: 3/10 First-Round Opponents: Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin -Marietta Von Festering
Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin Former British Prime Minister Earl Grey (or more specifically, Charles the 2nd Early Grey) hails from the prominent Grey family in Northumberland, England (aka no one’s ever actually heard of this fucker, but they named a tea after him). If you’re a pretentious dick then you know exactly what type of tea makes an Earl Grey blend, and maybe you even know why it was named after this Charles fellow. Boris Yeltsin, who was the First President of the Russian Federation, is known best for his grand plans to transform Russia’s socialist economy into a free market economy - a skill which is quite applicate to beer pong. He’s used to playing with vodka, so to him, drinking a six-pack of Natty Light is the equivalent of shotgunning a LaCroix. Strengths: Socioeconomic reform, high tolerance (although Grey’s tolerance is presumably high only for tea) Weaknesses: Sweating, being remembered for relationship with a beverage Team Cohesiveness: 5.2/10 First-Round Opponents: Malcolm X and Mao Zedong -Marrietta Von Festering
J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra Forget his 50-year stint with the FBI and his power to destroy naval spies – Hoover’s pong skills will blow everyone out of the water. After all, if a man can keep the plans of the most powerful nation in the world, his activities as a Freemason, and his cross-dressing habits under wraps, chances are he can throw a little plastic ball into a solo cup. Cleopatra, on the other hand, is woman enough for both of them. This Ancient Egyptian Queen will make up for what she lacks in beer drinking ability (I’m pretty sure she was too sexy to drink this figure-ruining beverage) with an evil-queen sex appeal and ridiculous charisma. That hot bitch will certainly throw off the other team while J. Edgar does serious work sinking cups/daydreaming about his limitless potential as Shirley Temple. Strengths: Power-tripping, eye make-up Weaknesses: Insecurity, asps Team Cohesiveness: 9/10 First-Round Opponents: General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain -Gwyneth Effingmouth
General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain General Custer has many reasons to drink. His moplike mustache and goth button-up shirt lend him an undesirable serial rapist quality. He is also best known by the systematic ass-kicking he endured at the hands of the Lakota tribe at Little Bighorn. My guess is that what Custer lacks in accuracy, he’ll make up for in alcohol consumption. Neville Chamberlain, Prime Minister of England during the rise of Hitler and the beginning of World War II, is known for pursuing a policy of appeasement, or “ass-kissing,” towards Nazi Germany. What Chamberlain lacks in testicles he makes up for in, well, nothing, because he’s probably the type of drunk who knocks back a couple of aged whiskey shots and then cries into the phone to his mother about his wish to return to the golden days of his childhood. Strengths: High rank, sharing first names with notable Gryffindors Weaknesses: Lack of testicles, lack of scalp Team Cohesiveness: 5/10 First-Round Opponents: J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra -Gwyneth Effingmouth