Matka Pawlowski’s 9 Best Good Ol' Home-Country Cold Remedies
From Norris to Plex and Hinman to Elder, the common cold exacts its annual toll. There are few signs of life, save the occasional Elderite crawling north on Sheridan with a snail-like layer of mucus and phlegm trailing behind. Sickness grips the land.
Enter Matka Pawlowski, the hero Northwestern deserves. She survived communist Poland, and she sure as hell knows how to survive a Chicago winter. Only now is she willing to tell all and reveal her secrets to longevity and good health.
Try one of her traditional Polish remedies* and soon you will be longing for the crisp breeze blowing in from the Gulf of Gdańsk and the familiar tickle of the grass on the North European Plain.
1. Miłego popołudnia A warm, soothing drink consisting of heated Mountain Dew and honey prepared in a 1:1 ratio. Shake well.
2. Kocham Cię Blow approximately one handful of playground sand into a sick person’s eyes in order to expel evil spirits and cleanse the sufferer’s soul.
3. Na zdrowie Three Taco Bell Mexican Pizzas.
4. Szczęśliwej Wielkanocy Exhale vapor from your subletter’s ecig into the left ear of the infected individual. If symptoms do not subside within 1-2 days, repeat with the right ear.
5. Mój poduszkowiec jest pełen węgorzy Malted milk balls administered as a suppository.
6. Jestem w ciąży Win three games of pin-the-tail-on-the donkey in a row
7. Mów głośniej Microwave and consume 17 live Betta fish
8. Tęskniłem za Tobą Masturbate to naked pictures of Dick Cheney
9. Wszystkiego najlepszego Also known as Sudafed.
*not FDA approved/acknowledged