Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes. In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville. But this is something much, much more important - more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.
The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.
For fun. Yes, it's pretty fucking heinous. First of all, THEY ARE MONKEYS. Who wants to hurt monkeys? They're like humans, but they haven't evolved quite enough to develop the essential human trait of sadism, or opposable thumbs. They simply want to climb trees, eat bananas, and throw lots and lots of fecal matter at one another. If we're going to allow animals to be injected with syphilis simply for throwing shit at one another, what comes next? Are we going to allow humans to be injected with syphilis for throwing shit at one another? No, but seriously, let me know if we are. If so, I'm going to have to tell my girlfriend that we need a new Valentine's Day activity.
And as if harming monkeys is not in itself an abominable act, they are injecting them with syphilis. SYPHILIS. Do you guys know how much syphilis sucks? Yeah, I don't either. But for one of my classes last spring, I had to read some first-hand accounts from Christopher Columbus, and he seemed like a troubled dude. Probably because of all the syphilis. Also, giving monkeys STDs seems like punishing them for having sex, and the mental image of monkeys having sex is too
cute hilarious to disappear.
Lastly, fuck Mississippi State. Like seriously, fuck those guys. I was under the impression that we had all acknowledged their assassination of JFK and sinking of the Titanic, and collectively agreed that they were horrible, horrible actions. But APPARENTLY, Mississippi State "University" has decided that they have to keep going.
Sick. Just sick.