Local Straight Teen Finds Himself During Pride Weekend

CHICAGO – This past weekend, which marked a celebration of LGBTQ+ pride at home and across the country, was especially transformative for local high school junior Robbie Wheeler, who claims he finally came to terms with his sexuality. Wheeler nostalgically remembered his crystallizing moment as he polished off a strawberry lime Four Loko in a paper bag on the corner of Diversey and Broadway streets. “I was scrolling through my insta feed, and I just knew in my gut I wanted to be with one of the straight girls, and not the gay men they were using as props,” he said. “Not even Valencia or X-Pro II could disguise my feelings.”

The young man did not actually participate in the parade, but stayed nearby for moral support. “I guess the whole thing might seem pretty crazy to you ‘neoliberals,’ but I think I finally learned what this whole ‘Pride’ thing is about – it’s a victory for all people, not just gay people,” Wheeler slurred. “I’m here to celebrate my contribution to a job well done, just like when the Blackhawks won the International Grand Prix!”

His attendance might seem out of the ordinary, but Wheeler sees this all as training. “Me and my buds, we’ve been here every year since gay became trendy, but this weekend was different,” Wheeler said. “I’ve heard some eye-opening things, that really changed the way I think about what it means to be a person.”

Wheeler expressed that this is one step on a personal journey he hopes to continue going forward in life. “Now I know the truth – you can dress in as many colors as you want and still be straight,” Wheeler said. “I think I’m ready to change the world and apply to liberal arts school.”