CHEHALIS, Wash.--Earlier this morning, a local Gillette razor blade reported that it intends to cut the face of its user, 39-year-old Richard Bowen, in the near future. The razor, which consists of 5 thin blades and a moisturizing strip, told reporters that its blades were as “sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel” and that they could “deliver quite a nasty wound.”
The shaving device also added that the cut would “probably bleed for an unnecessarily long time” and leave an “unsightly mark” that would “last for days and certainly be noticed by coworkers.”
Citing its separation from its razor blade brethren at the local CVS as its motivation, the facial grooming tool reported that it hoped to slice Bowen’s face “as early as tomorrow morning and hopefully within the next two days.”
When asked about the morality of his plans, the razor replied, “I lived a happy life. I may not have had much in the way of money, but I had friends and my little spot on the shelf. Richard took that all away from me, and I’ll be damned if his actions go unavenged.”
“I was proud of how far I’d come and I was excited for the future. I was born into poverty in a factory in Massachusetts, worked hard, and eventually moved up in the world. I had so much ahead of me, and it all came crashing down when a man slapped $10.99 on the CVS counter. It would be morally wrong if I didn’t have my revenge.”
In related news, Bowen has announced plans to change his razor blade the next time he shaves, as his current razor cartridge has gotten too dull for his liking.
-Reverend Dee Dee Turlington