[As a surge of water fills the Elder second floor girls bathroom, Sherman Ave Elder correspondent Ammonia$ta Dribbling will provide live updates from the dorm. Unless The Great Bathroom Flood of '012 takes out the Internetz, in which case FUCK IT WE'LL DO IT LIVE. More updates to come!] UPDATE: SUNDAY NOV 4, 2012, 8:20 PM
In an extremely anticlimactic turn of events, I woke up this morning. I am alive, there is no water in my room, and the bathroom looks like as if nothing ever happened. I am actually surprised at how quickly things have been resolved. Props to Northwestern’s maintenance crews.
To be honest, I was kind of hoping there’d be some water in my room. Preferably near my backpack (which I purposely moved closer to the door last night) that is filled with my Spanish homework. I spent a lot of time last night fantasizing about getting to say “Lo siento, Profe, pero el GBF’12 comió mi tarea.”* It would have been great. Anyway, instead of starting my homework at a normal time, I decided to do some investigating to bring you the latest as to the cause of GBF’12. I decided to turn to facebook, because that’s were a lot of intelligent people seem to hang out. I posted a general question asking if anyone knew anything. For 4 hours, I sat staring at the page waiting eagerly for some info. And now it seems no one gives a shit, or people just don’t wanna help a girl out.
So, as far as I’m concerned the mystery of GBF’12 will forever remain unsolved (though I’m still pretty sure it was the cover-up plan I mentioned before). The only fatalities were the weird bug things that sometimes hang out in the bathroom. RIP Henry, Bobo, Clarice (my names for them) and friends. You’ll be forever in our hearts.
Thus ends the coverage of The Great Bathroom Flood of 2012. This is Ammonia$ta Dribbling, peacin’ out. Deuces.
*Sorry, Professor, but the GBF'12 ate my homework.
UPDATE: SOME POINT LATER THAT NIGHT (time change is confusing)
Everyone. It appears as though I have just come back from what is going to be known as my last meal. Thankfully, it was Cheesies, and it was well worthy of being the last morsel of artery-clogging food I will ever ingest. Sadly, the water has started making it’s way through the bathroom and across the hall, to my room. (Once I thought living across from the bathroom was great; now I loathe it with every fiber of my being.) I’M NOT READY TO DIE. Ke$ha ISN’T EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW. I have nothing left to do but sit and pretend to get (more) drunk off of my last bottle of Snapple, because our drunkie supplies ran out last week. It’s tragic in every sense of the word.
I would like to take this time to say a few things. First, thanks to my roommate, whose health kick probably got me into better shape and could help me swim away from my untimely death...Unless I decide to just go to sleep after I finish writing this, which is the more likely case. Also, I would like to thank Cheesies for supplying a great last meal. For those of you who survive GBF’12, go there. You won’t regret it. And finally, I would like to thank Momma and Poppa Dribbling for paying a shit ton of money to send me to a school where I will die in a bathroom flood. The past month has been great. Thank you, ‘rents. It’s been a lovely 18 years.
Unfortunately, I will never be able to solve the mystery of what caused GBF’12. Know that until the flood takes me, I will do my best to figure it out, then try to communicate it to you from the after life. I wish you all the best. -XOXOXO Ammonia$ta Dribbling (GBF’12 Victim and Ke$ha fan extraordinaire)
UPDATE: 8:15 PM
A terrible tragedy has struck the girls’ second floor bathroom of Elder Residential Community. On Saturday, November 3rd, I woke up to find the bathroom floor covered with water and the drains on the floor surrounded by dirt. At first I thought the water might have been from the tears I shed last night after the Ben Gibbard* concert, when I realized I would never be good enough for him. But that was not the case. (As it turns out, I flooded my room with my tears.) The dirt on the drains led me to believe something is just straight up janky with the plumbing. I grab my camera, snap some pics to send to my mom, then go back to bed and hope someone else would do something about the problem.
Later that day, the bathroom had an “out of order” sign on it. At first I was like, ok whatever, but then I realized that I couldn’t go in there. This poses a few issues:
- Now I have to walk all the way across the building and down floor to get to the other girls’ bathroom I’m supposed to use just to pee. This is way too much effort, if you ask me. Good thing I have a lot of empty Snapple bottles.
- All of my shower stuff is being held hostage by the Flood. Meaning, I’m about to get real smelly(er).
- My toothbrush is also in there. I need to brush my teeth regularly or else I WILL go insane. This is not an overstatement. I’ve already hit the pissy stage of the deterioration of my sanity. Things are not looking good.
So for the next few days, I will be updating you lovely people on the status of The Great Bathroom Flood ’12 (and also my filth/insanity), as well as trying to figure out what the hell happened. Perhaps this is just a fluke in the plumbing system, perhaps this is the work of Sandy (that bitch), or perhaps it’s a highly thought-out cover-up from the girl who always takes giant shits in the bathroom after she finally clogged the toilet (the dirt would be her way of throwing off my sleuthing). As of right now, no one knows when this problem will be resolved.
*Ben, if you’re reading this please let me have your children. Or get back with Zooey so my faith in humanity will be restored.