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Life Hack: 5 Easy Ways to Put Down Your Dog

Life Hack: 5 Easy Ways to Put Down Your Dog

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Putting down your dog is easier than you might think! And definitely an easy way to control your pet.  While positive reinforcement is one way to train your dog, a quick character assassination is more effective for the average pooch. Here are four easy ways to put your furry friend in its place.

  1. Put it outside

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Dogs are really arrogant sometimes, but it’s definitely a blow to their self-esteem to be on the outside looking in at all the house action: food, water, petting, etc. Put a dog outside if it eats something it pees on the furniture, for example.

 

  1. Use a wrench

Woah! How did this get in here? This is for my “How to Fix your Bike” article.

  1. Shout insults at it

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Your dog might not be fluent in English, but it certainly understands tone changes.  Even though he doesn’t recognize how asymmetrical his fat face is, shouting “You’re ugly!” at Bob the Beagle is an effective way of making him feel really negative, really fast.

 

  1. Mess with its short-term memory loss

With the exception of Siberian Huskies, which tend to reminisce about the 90’s, dogs can only remember four seconds into the past. They therefore perceive the present and eternity as one—what dupes! This gives you a huge advantage when trying to put a pooch down. Go to a park with your dog and a tennis ball. Throw it twenty yards and let your dog chase after it and bring it back to you. Repeat 5-10 times. Does it seriously not remember what happened last time? Without saying anything, you’ve proven your point: your dog is a moron, and everyone around you knows it.

  1. Remind it that it’s adopted

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Let’s be honest, this is a low blow that’ll keep your dog down on itself for a while—use sparingly! But your dog was not conceived by your biological parents like you were. In fact, a dog’s tail will go between his legs when he feels entirely out of place in his domesticated life. Surrounded by people they can never be like, dogs are constantly reminded of human thumbs, their inability to read Shakespeare, and their big, goofy tongues.  Existential woof!

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Sherman Ave Professor of the Year Bracket: FINALS - Renee Engeln vs. Alex Birdwell

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