Life Force-Draining Internship Really Helping Student Get Foot in the Door
Chicago, IL—Rising senior Steven Kelly, whose internship at investment banking giant JP Morgan has ripped out his soul and crushed it into tiny bite-size pieces, is reportedly excited to have “gotten his foot in the door” of the company’s wealth management department. Kelly, who yesterday was seriously considering pumping a few staples into his boss’s eyeballs just to feel alive again, has reportedly gained “great experience” over his last six weeks on the job. Kelly has even said that he thinks he has a chance to return full time to the company he hates so much that sometimes he has to scream at the pigeons outside his office just to blow off steam.
“I mean, sure, I feel like my humanity has been brutally stripped away by a cruel and unloving god,” a noticeably shaking Kelly said between sips of his 9th coffee that morning. “But this is a very sought after position, and I’m willing to fight back these all-encompassing feelings of emptiness for a few more weeks to land that full time gig.”
Kelly then turned his gaze to the window, lowered his eyes, and solemnly whispered “But at what cost?” before suddenly twisting his head back toward the excel spreadsheet on his computer that had become, in his words, “the only thing left worth living for.”
At press time, Kelly had just finished watching a video compilation of cheetahs attacking their prey in order to suppress his urge to finally “burn the whole motherfucker down.”