Letter to the Editor From the Year 2155: Technology Is Ruining Our Children
First of all, let me say I am very grateful for the advances science has brought about in the past few decades: the cure for cancer, an end to world hunger, lasers you can shoot from your eyeballs. However, all this good isn’t without consequences. I hate to sound like an old fogy, but I’m worried about what effect the latest surge of technological hullabaloo is having on our children. You see, back in my day, kids played with simple things such as iPads and Xboxes, not inter-dimensional transporters, which arguably are turning our children’s brains into jelly (along with the rest of their molecular structures). As a boy, I spent hours playing tennis and baseball on Wii Sports. Meanwhile, my kids hardly even know how to hold a Wiimote. I used to go outside, fresh air coursing through my lungs, and take refuge from the blistering sun underneath a willow tree so there wouldn’t be a glare on my iPhone while I played Angry Birds. Now, my kids spend all their time locked up in their rooms, preserved in self-induced, semi-vegetative states, with cables hooked up to their brains to project them into the virtual world of Zarn©.
Technology today is stunting the development of our children’s social skills, which will no doubt impair them later in life. Instead of healthily learning how to interact with other children via instant messages sent from behind the comfort of a computer screen in a dark room, nanochips implanted in my children’s brains translate their primordial thoughts into 1’s and 0’s, which are then sent to other devices. That’s when they’re communicating with real humans at all. Why, my son Devin hasn’t interacted with a non-virtual humanoid in weeks!
Worst of all, my family can’t even enjoy a nice dinner where everyone is gathered to spend a meal texting at the table—heck, whenever I try to get the kids to spend any quality-time together, they’re all, “This is an automatic reply from User #756121: Dear JARED EISNER, My body is currently in a state of hibernation while I play Zarn©: The World’s Premiere Virtual Experience. Feeding tubes are 88% full. Please do not attempt to wake me or you could cause severe brain damage. Thank you for purchasing Zarn©: A Better Reality.” But maybe that’s just the hormones talking. Teenagers, am I right?
Technology today is destroying our children (quite literally in the case of the violent robot uprising. Darn sentient androids!). But perhaps it isn’t too late to save the next generation. So please, unplug your children and force their gelatinous bodies to do something productive, such as binge-watching television for hours on end, if you know what’s good for them.
-Jared Eisner Concerned Parent