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Last Known Social Darwinist Struggles for the Survival of His Species at Northwestern

Last Known Social Darwinist Struggles for the Survival of His Species at Northwestern

It was originally believed that all the members of the Social Darwinist species died out in the 1940’s, unable to adapt to the rapidly changing environment of the latter 20th century. However, it was recently discovered that one member of the species is still alive despite nature's efforts to kill it off. Desperately clinging to its fragile existence, Charles Murray seeks refuge at Northwestern University, hoping to one day to gain enough nutrients to asexually reproduce and continue the lineage of social Darwinists.

“It is a marvel that Social Darwinists are still around today,” said Northwestern biology professor Phil Zander, “However we mustn’t interfere with the guiding hand of nature.”

According to Professor Zander, Charles Murray hasn’t had much success in the unforgiving contest of Mother Nature, and has had to seek the assistance from Northwestern College Republicans for food, shelter, an audience and other basic necessities. Professor Zender has criticized the group for fiddling with nature’s design by supporting this last survivor of a dying species.

“It seems the Social Darwinist should have died out by the 1960’s due to their subpar cognitive functions. However, the Northwestern College Republicans are intruding on the course of nature by giving this inferior species shelter” reported professor Zender, “Besides, if you help them out it only makes them fat and lazy.”  

 

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